Sunday, November 13, 2011


So I take lots of surveys on the internets. Because I'm poor and  a full time student and therefore have no time for a real job, nor am I ''old enough". I KNOW. So like I said, I take surveys. Or, well, I sign up to take surveys, but then I just don't feel like sifting through my email and then it all just builds up and suddenly one day I'm like "hey, maybe I'll check my email because something else I signed up for needs a confirmation" so I go into my email only to be confronted with: You have 540 new emails. 0.0

Yeah, it was weird. So, being the proactive person I am, I promptly opened the confirmation email and confirmed and then quickly signed back out to once again let the email build up. You know you do it too.

And here's the thing, I probably wouldn't have so many emails if I weren't so gullible to "free" gifts for your birthday. And in September, I was like, "hey, my birthday's in a few months, maybe if I just sign up now, then I'll start getting free things sooner!"

This was obviously flawed logic. Also, I have a tendency to forget that I've signed up with companies for free gifts and since they're assholes and don't filter who's already in the club and who's not, I end up subscribing and getting three to six of the same emails EVERYDAY. WHY?!?!!??

Another thing? I'm ridiculously curious. NOT to be confused with nosy. Because I could care less about what's going on with random strangers. HOWEVER, when I'm confronted with an email that says, "Open for Mystery Coupon worth up to $50" my intelligence in gone. Because everyone knows that the likelihood of getting said described coupon is the same exact likelihood of winning the lottery. Nevertheless I always feel compelled to open it anyways, only to be promptly disappointed by my "$5 off a purchase of $75". WHAT KIND OF GHETTO COUPON IS THAT?!?! The reason I would ever want a coupon subscription would be to spend ridiculous amounts of money on stuff I don't need only to have the price cut down by 75%! Not to spend all of my money only to get 2% back. JERKS!

Has that ever happened to you? Probably not. I think only outrageous things that are really not all that outrageous happen to mostly just me. YOUR FACE IS OUTRAGEOUSly attractive.

So anyways, like I was saying, surveys. See, the days that I sign up for surveys are usually weeks where I've been really good about checking my email every day and cleaning out a lot of crap I don't need. But after I sign up, I just slowly start slacking. Like REALLY slacking. As in I will lay down on the couch and watch 6+ hours of continuous TV reruns of shows I've failed to keep up on only to realize I really have shitload of stuff to actually get accomplished and then continue to watch TV until someone drags me off the couch. I'm so serious.

So when I sign up for the surveys, I'll be like, "Yeah, I'm really poor. SEND ME THEM EVERYDAY!" But then that slacking thing happens and when I sift through my emails it's all like "Urgent survey opinion needed. TODAY ONLY!" And then I'm like, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" because the reward was like 2,000 points which is the equivalent of $20 on some sites and that's cash money that I desperately need. So then I end up throwing away, not only junk mail, but pretty much money, right into the trash tab.

And this is why I'll be forever poor and eating Ramen noodles for the majority, if not all, of my college life.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I want to be a Mafia Princess

YES. You know you're jelly. JELLY MELLY!

Sooooo guess what tomorrow is?!!?! DISECTION DAYYYY!! Now normally I would be spitting moral qualms all over the place, but I really don't care. I mean I care, but not enough to sacrifice 80% of my total Anatomy grade for. Sorry morals, I'll see you in a few weeks when the kitties go in their kitty coffins. Then we will once again belong together forever.

My kitty's name is going to be Banjo. BECAUSE HE'S CUTER THAN YOU. Just kidding, you're adorable ;D (<-------- super awkward pedophile creepy wink!) Just in case you weren't quite sure how it was intended.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH it's November!!!!!!!! You know what that means ONE MONTH TIL MAH BIRTHDAY!!! Isn't that exciting?

Ahh birthdays, the one time of the year when you can act like a total douche and no one can say anything back. Also, the time to break out THE BIRTHDAY BALLOONS.

Now I don't know about you guys, but birthdays at my high school are a really big thing. Firstly because, no matter who you are, who you know or better yet, who you don't know, by the end of the day you WILL know the birthday girl. And I only say girl because I've yet to see a boy complete the phenomena. What is this "birthday girl" fantasy of which I speak? Well listen close young ones, you're about to find out.

The tale of Birthday Girl began much before my time. It was a legend, told to me by my big brother and my aunts and uncles before him. IT WAS MAGICAL. You would walk into school and everyone would stare at you with wonder and amazement. YOU were the Birthday Girl and it was YOUR time to shine.

Or so I thought.

The magic that was the Birthday Girl story turned out to be a bunch of squashed potatoes without a blender. So, it was pretty much crap.

Alas, the epic of Birthday Girl was nothing but a sham. It's not that Birthday Girl doesn't exist, it's that she doesn't deserve any damn capital letters and magical stories. She more likely deserves a punch in the face from the entire school. Now not everything about birthday girl is fake, just almost everything. Like her name. It's not Birthday Girl with magical sparkles and unicorns and glitter, NO her name is birthday balloon girl (BBG) and she is the high school equivalent of a terrorist. Oh yes, I did. 

Firstly, when you walk into school, people WILL stare at you. But not in amazement and wonder, more in remorse and hatred. The thought, "GODDAMNIT NOT ANOTHER ONE!" will indeed be running through everybody's mind. Because the horror of birthday girl has just been confirmed.

Now, what a tale would this be without some awesome pictures? Now why didn't I use the perfect circles to make birthday balloon girl's head?

BECAUSE SHE'S A GODDAMNED TERRORIST! God, weren't you listening?!?!

That's one attractive girl though, I must say. See BBG? This is how you make me feel. You make me feel like I want to go buy a kitten and have the following dialogue with someone.

"Hey, I bought you a kitten."

Thanks a lot BBG, killing kitties one balloon at a damned time.

You wanna know what else BBG? You make everyone feel this way. NOT JUST ME. Because you're all struttin' in your obnoxious stillettos going, "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I'LL-" and then the masses scream out, "NO ONE FUCKING CARES!" but then you're "gurlfrannns" (whatever the fuck that means. what are you, grammar deaf?!) start going, "AWW NO THEY DIDNNNNNNN'T, GURRRLL IMMA EFF YOU UP" and you would again shout your original statement but by this time you've seething reached your destination and you thank god for doors.

And would you like to know why I honestly hate birthday balloon girl? It's because of one tiny little thing. Just one teensy weensy miniscule problem.


Now once upon a time, I was birthday balloon girl. Except, I wasn't the girl in the picture. I had a lone balloon that sent the message that in was my birthday and I got nice birthday wishes from everyone and even people I didn't know. Did I smack everyone in the face with my balloons. No. BECAUSE I'M NOT A TERRORIST LIKE YOU.