Getting Cray

Like fo shizzle. LOL JK I'm half white.

Oh man, I recall when that was average language around my neck of the woods. Hell in some places it still is.

So it's Black Friday everyone! I hope none of you got trampled...or you know, lose a wig.

This time of year is really exciting for me. The impending surge of something magical is just around the corner.

The holidays will forever be my favorite time of the year.  Everyone says it's just because my birthday is in the beginning of December or that it's me still living in some fantasy childhood world. Whatever that means.

Yet, it's none of those things. My birthday? It's alright. If there needs to be a special day to spend extra time with the ones I love, then I'll gladly take it.

It's the feeling though. I don't know how everyone doesn't feel it. Right after November ends, the air just changes. Sure, you could chalk it up to some pollution or conspiracy theory, but it's all but.

That sensation when you walk outside and the first thing you smell is crisp, fresh air or the sweet, calming scent of distant burning wood, it just takes me to a place I get to go for one whole month every single year. A quintessential, homely little world where the joy of the seasons can be touched by any outreached hand. When you can walk into someone's home to be greeted by lively decorations or the smell of baking cookies or a fresh tree.

Even for those who don't celebrate. I don't think even they can ignore it. It's palpable. Living and breathing. Extending its warmth to all.

The holidays celebrate a time of getting together. Of forgetting the troubles of yesterday or the future and focusing on the importance of the present time. Of being grateful for a warm home and loving family and friends. Because nowadays that's a scarcity that's soon to become extinct if not cherished.

I know it's easy to get caught up in worries, troubles, heartaches. Trust me, I feel the pain every single minute. But where I am right now is a place I could never have dreamed of two years ago, when I thought I couldn't make it through the week. And looking back, I discovered strength that I never knew I was capable of. Whether it was pulling through because I had to for someone or proving to myself that I could, I've developed a lot of things. Hope is the biggest thing that has gotten me through. Support is something I wouldn't be here without. Love, something that I never thought I was worthy of in my present state has been one of the greatest things of all. Perseverance, I don't know if I hadn't had it if I would have make it through. Sometimes when all you do is raise instead of fold, you get lucky with the cards you already possessed.

I know that I'm lucky. And I am more than aware of others that are not. And I want to do everything I can to appreciate what I've got and give what I can to those who don't.

Everyone deserves to be happy. This year I'll do my best to ensure that I pay it forward like never before. I'm not waiting until next year to resolve. It starts now. Join me. I dare you.

Too lazy to stop the End of the World

Some people just change your life. Best friends, family, pets, co-workers, significant others, etc. Don't let them slip away. Let them know every single day how much they mean to you. It can be easy to lose sight of the amazingness that once drew you to a person for whatever reason. Don't appreciate it less because it's always around. 

Appreciate it more because it could be gone tomorrow.

So

Where can I begin? Well reader, all is well...good. Still. Which in my life is absolutely amazing. Nothing ever lasts this long without crashing and burning in the process. But something seems to be working. And I'm not sure what it is exactly, but there's something. And I don't really care what it is.

I've waited too long for this to care for details.

So I'm not asking anymore. I'm just living, each day one day at a time. And I may have to do that forever. But right now forever doesn't seem so bad anymore, not with what I've got.

Stay strong, you WILL make it through these storms.

Mom

Let's talk about moms, shall we?

I would be nowhere without this woman. Literally.

I know for a fact that I hate children. With a legitimate passion. They're impatient, I'm impatient and neither of us are mature enough to adapt to the other. It's great.

But in my extreme hate of children, I've gotten such an amazing sense of respect and gratitude toward my parents, particularly my mother. Not to say that I don't love both of my parents dearly, because God knows I do. But there's a certain bond between a mother and her daughter. Girls, you know what I mean. Guys, you probably kinda do, too.

This woman is the strongest, most determined, most intelligent, loving, supportive, and when it comes down to it, goddamn miraculous person I know. And I hate to admit that these past few years have probably been the worst for her to deal with. From my brother's depression, to breaking her leg on vacation, to my migraines and my brother's dropping out of college, things have taken the phrase "a downward spiral" to a new level.

But she's handled it like a champion. And I will never ever be able to thank her enough for the lifetime of opportunity and love she's given me.

She is my real life hero. There is no one else that I'd rather aspire to be.

I love you Mom, thank you for everything.

There's just a moment where you realize how powerful something can be. The crash of thunder followed by a slither of lightning. Shattering a tree much taller than the length of the bolt. Setting the girth of something so grounded into flames, destroying, engulfing. Hearing someone I love dearly talk about the way another person could change his life, it sounded nonsensical. But then, as he continued, it sounded...absolutely raw. Real. Even possible. Attainable. With patience. And an open heart.

Words can be just words.

Words can be a realm of possibility.

A chance to explain what actions cannot.

To prove to another that it is real. It is possible. It's not a fairy tale.

Love is out there.

With a big smile and open arms.


Waiting for you.


Make sure you grab it.

Some Things

NOT to be confused, dearest reader, with the things. Completely different.

So there are some exciting and not so exciting things coming up for me.

Exciting thing number one: I'm going back down the shore for a dayish maybe two. Which means there are only two significant words in my vocabulary now: BEACH NAPS. I partake in the casual everyday nap, but there's just some magical beauty of a beach nap that no other nap can touch. Whether it's the warm press of sun against exposed skin, the calming crash of waves that surrounds you, the gentle cry of seagulls to add subtle change, or the soft sand beneath you, they just are so much better. This is especially true if you have spent the entire day at the beach actually doing things, like going in the water or walking along the shore or tackling people into the sand that you don't really know all too well, but they were asking for it.

No matter what the reason, by the end of a few hours in the sun, I am inexplicably tired as hell. And I've realized that the above reasons somehow turn my at least twenty minute nap into the REM excursion of a life time. You wake up more refreshed, more calm, more amiable. Prior to beach naps, I'm not gonna lie, on some days, I'm just bitchy. The sun's too oppressive, the water's too cold to adjust to, let alone filled with seaweed and sharp shells, the wind is blowing too hard, leading to sand storms and I likely got mild to moderate sun burn on my nose or lips.

It's rough. And that's being nice. Now by this time my brain has already weighed the pros and cons of staying at the beach. Recently, however, instead of just signaling to my vocal chords to express the need to go home, my brain has reconsidered. Now, all I hear is "nap time" and I'm quite positive nothing could ruin it. I realize that reason in itself means someone/something is bound to ruin it, but I'm gonna risk it until that happens.

Beach naps are the equivalent of transforming into a sleeping baby rabbit.