Which is great because I'm no longer a child, I just like to act like one. So remember when you were little and when something bad happened you'd put a pair of shorts on your head and run around screaming? Probably not, because according to a lot of people, that's not normal. Well guess what normal people, I DON'T CARE BECAUSE I HAVE MORE FUN THAN YOU SO SUCK IT!
Anyways, now that I'm momentarily done screaming at people who don't know me, allow me to further weird you out by telling you all about my dreams. Which by doing, I'm actually sharing something intimate with you in a totally nonsexual way. I know, it's really disappointing. You know what's even more disappointing? We're out of bread in my house and now I have to get fat the old fashioned way: by eating everything in sight.
But back to my point so anyways I have these really weird dreams. They're usually some form of some crazy insane thing that scares most people when I relate it, but this time it was FREAKING AWESOME! Sadly my baby wombat with wings was not there, but that's a story for another month. Anyways so my story begins in some random person's basement and there's a duel of Pokemon going on to my right. But then we all fall into this magical hole of blackness and end up on a pirate ship. Now all the Pokemon are gone and I'm sad before I realize that this pirate ship has an ice cream shop. And since ice cream is delicious and because I was in a total "I'm going to die if I don't eat something" mood (which is basically almost my entire life, excluding Fat Fridays, and we'll get to that) so I'm like ICE CREAM.
I'm almost as ecstatic as a lonesome old couple who when they receive any form of letters or emails go "WE GOT MAIL" (btw today there are going to be a lot of pictures. Enjoy them unless they are offensive to you in which case I will continue enjoying them while you write angrily about me on Twitter.)
So I'm there at the counter with my friend (she's pretty flippin awesome, but I haven't exactly gotten her permission to but her name here so for now we're just going to call her "Whippersnapper"). So me and Whippersnapper and just chillin waiting for some ice cream called So Delicious Your Tongue Will Fall Off because it sounded like a good choice at the time and out of NOWHERE comes crazy Mike Birbiglia dressed up in a pirate suit and jamming out the sweet guitar licks of "Rock You Like A Hurricane". So I turn to Whippersnapper and I'm like "WHIPPERSNAPPER IT'S MIKE FREAKIN BIRBIGLIA AND LOOK HE'S A PIRATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And Whippersnapper can't respond because her tongue fell off but it's okay because apparently she has the ability to grow back body parts cause a few minutes later we're all singing along with Pirate Mike Birbiglia to crazy Scorpion songs and then a giant Pokemon comes and eats us all. The end.
Also what if we had HUMAN ERASERS?!!? It'd be freakin awesome that's what! We'd all be like our own little Doodlebobs and you know then there could be holidays. Ones like "Eraser Attack Day" where we have a free for all and can just run up to anyone and like erase a part of their arm or an eye or whatever! Get creative with it. And of course the day after would be "Redraw Yourself Day" where you would get a partner to redraw the pieces of your body. I would personally pick my best friend Whippersnapper because I could trust her to redraw my arm or leg. And I can guarantee you the end result would go like this:
"Okay I'm done."
"Thanks Whippersnapper!"
*looks at arm*
"WTF it's a muffin!"
"So I'll take it you don't like your leg either?"
*looks at leg*
"It's a freaking peg leg! I LOVE YOU!"
But with a total stranger the results would kind of go like this:
"Okay you're good now."
*looks down"
"Gee thanks, it's an arm. And wow, I still have all five fingers. WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!"
And then the stranger would get scared as I started describing how I wanted Megaman's arm because then I could just shoot things out of it, like LASERS....OR MUFFINS.
Soo yeah, that's kind of it for today on account of I think I've blow your minds away with enough stories, you know, until tomorrow when I wake up with some more things in mind. The first thing will most likely be toast. Toast is nice.
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