Remembering

I left you all at a strange place almost a year ago. Saying I was headed off to Cleveland and leaving everything on the line. And I did.

There were so many things I wanted to write about. The experience that I was left with was incredible and disheartening at the same time. And so I held off. Because most times that I wanted to write were fueled by depression. Severe depression.

I ignored it for a long, long time, thinking it was just a change in the weather or a bad day. But deep down I knew it wasn't. It was me. It was everything that has happened in these last 4 years finally catching up to me and my psyche just couldn't hold up anymore. So it broke down at a change in the breeze or a drop in hormones.

I should've known that when I felt so anxious about my problems that I couldn't even acknowledge that they existed that things were bad. But I just kept plunging into new things and occupying myself until a time came where I was just sitting at home a lot because work didn't need me that week and I had quit volunteering because of work.

So as I sat at home and a chill hit me and I burst into sobs for seemingly no reason, I knew something really was wrong and that I had to start seeing a psychologist again and do something about my antidepressant. Because at the moment there seemed to be no "anti" qualities about it.

So I started seeing the same psychologist my brother sees and as I told her everything that was going on, I found myself doing the same thing I always do: making my problems seem small and non problematic. I only cried once. But seeing her concern by the end at how my highs were lowering and my lows were getting lower, she told me to consult my neurologist about a change in dosage.

Nothing has kicked in yet, but I am having a moment of clarity.

Going to Cleveland, despite what everyone says, was a success in my eyes. Hell, even despite what I say sometimes. And it was a success not because I left cured, but because I didn't quit. It was an intensive 3 week program that I had to drop my entire life in Pennsylvania to do. And it was hard. Really hard. And there were times when I questioned why I had even thought it was a good idea.

And then I would see the others in that next moment. The others who were just like me. Just trying to make it through their 3 weeks of Hell too. And we found consolation in each other, not the doctors. We carried each other through rough weeks and celebrated good ones. We waved happy and hopeful goodbyes to the graduates of each week that passed. We gave grave consolation to those just starting and told them how they really needed to just make it through Week 1.

It is a time in my life I will never forget. Those are people I will always remember. Their smiles and their tears. Their warm embraces and laughter we all shared. The knowledge I will pass on forever and hold in my heart.

Cleveland was an experience that I would never do again. But presented with the option in another life? It is most certainly an opportunity that I would embrace with the same vigor that I did in this one. Hope given is a rare thing. I strive to impart it on others throughout my journey as I did in Ohio.

Brevity

So I'm going to Cleveland. OHIO.

IT"S SNOWING THERE.

I should be excited.

But to be honest I'm terrified beyond a doubt.

This wasn't the year I envisioned. But to be honest, this wasn't the past three years I had envisioned either.

And yet I wouldn't give it up. I couldn't. Too much good is intertwined with the bad that sometimes it's hard to differentiate. Sometimes all I look back and see is goodness. Sometimes all I can see is hardship.

But right now all I see is the frightening path that lies ahead. The great unknown that is a three week program of getting better or learning  how to fake it. In a town miles and miles from home, family and friends.

I've always been one to take the plunge first, but for the first time in my life, I'm hesitating. Have I just gained common sense or is this something in me that's begun to think I really will be like this forever? Neither will help me.

Whether I'm ready or not, the ground is about to drop out, so I need to find a parachute and find it fast.

When you have mice and ants

To some people, this is the ultimate demise. Two pests in one house and very few chances of getting them out anytime soon. But fear not! I have formulated a list of how to calmly evaluation the situation.

STEP ONE: Rejoice!
You have always wanted guests in your home! You love to entertain!  Now you have thousands of friends to encompany you on your daily journeys, such as to the shower or making dinner, or eating lunch! Where's the party at? YOUR HOUUUSSSEEE!!

STEP TWO: Panic!
This is too many guests! They are beginning to overrun you and eat all of your things, including your chocolate and sugar. Bitches be crazy. This is not good not not not good. They're also beginning to scare you. Showing up in the middle of the night, just running around blindly, like it's a game! This is awful. This is the opposite of what was supposed to happen. OHHH NOOOOOOO!!

STEP THREE: Destroy All Things!
Okay these mothers have gone far enough. Their invasion has become a personal testament to driving you crazy. It's time to bring out the big guns: traps and glue. They think they're going to get away with hoarding the candy in your closet and decimating your counters with just their presence. WRONGZO. And when the tails start dropping, you can feel a sense of accomplishment and pride. Especially as you watch the struggle between the tiny insect and the tacky, sugary sweet glue. Killed by your own vice.

Aaaaaand that's it. I hope this helped some of you. I hope your pest issues subside with the warm weather about us. This is Jess, signing off.

What You're Saying is So Wrong

Okay ladies and gents, let's set some stuff straight. I'm so sick and tired of hearing these things from people that don't know what they're talking about. If you aren't sure, keep your mouth shut, got it? Because you just don't know. And you'll never know, until it affects you. And it likely won't. And that's okay, because I would never wish this upon anyone. Not the people that say this or the worst people in the world.

#1: We don't sit at home and watch TV all day

We are in chronic pain. Meaning all the time. Meaning never stops. Meaning it's a good day when we can get in 1 TV show. Possibly a half hour. An hour on a really good day. Maybe two on some miraculous day. So stop assuming that because we're at home, that we do the shit you do when you are at home. We do not get "days off" we get days where our pain is so bad that we absolutely cannot tolerate leaving the house or maybe the bed. Stop being an assuming assbutt.

#2: You do not work harder than we do

I came back from a week and a half stretch of being ridden with pain and frustration at not living a normal life on time. Pulling myself out of bed was the hardest thing in the world. The punches in my brain screamed at me that today was not the day to do this. But I didn't care. I missed my friends and the regularity of a schedule and having things to do. This day happened to be a few days before a big break. Winter break to be exact. Upon making it (proud as a new mother on her child's first successful day of school) to my first class without dying, I joined in the hype. I got shit done and socialized my ass off. And that's when someone said it. I made the "mistake" of saying that I, too, was excited for the upcoming break. And this person has the nerve to look at me and go, "Why? You're never here anyway." Which meant, "Why? You don't deserve it as much as we all do." BULL SHIT. You do not work harder than I do. Just because you were able to get out of bed five days in a row as compared to my one, that does not mean you deserve anything more than I do. I won't say that I deserve this break more than you, because that would be pretentious. My break and your break will be 100% different. So calm down and put your pants back on.

#3: I still do the same work that you do, so don't tell me I cheated 

I remember sitting and talking with my friend (who is super awesome and understanding of my condition) when some girl was passing out papers saying who got honors and such. She stopped at our table and threw the paper at me while saying, "How do you get honors?" Struck by the strange question, I responded, "Um, you have to get a 91 or higher I think." She shook her head, "No, I mean how to you  get honors?" And then she glared at me, waiting for my response. Not used to being under pressure of this sort, I just kinda shrugged and squirmed in my seat. She left. Now I knew exactly how I had gotten my honors. I had been responsible and gone to every teacher in the beginning of the year and explained my condition to them and worked out how to get stuff sent home so I wouldn't be behind. Yes, I did get extensions, but that doesn't mean that I don't work just as hard, if not harder, than you to earn my 95s. I make up tests that I miss, I do the homework that is assigned and I take notes when I'm in class. I'm not gliding by. I'm climbing the same mountain you are, except my side has a bunch of missing rocks and I have to take breaks or I'll fall and possibly never get back up.

#4: Stop assuming I died

This is possibly one of the most hurtful things you can say to a person. "Where have you been? I thought you died!" NOT COOL. This is mostly because at many a given time, I felt like I was or I wanted to die. But those weren't options, so I slugged through the swamp and emerged what I'm told is victorious. I missed my friends, I broke down, I missed social events, I couldn't get out of bed without returning an hour later some days. So did I die? Yes, I did. I'm not regular. But just because you don't see me, don't assume I'm dead. If I were, you'd hear about it on the news. Seriously, it hurts. It's like you want me dead, because my return confuses you more and more every time you somehow see me after two months.

#5: Don't make jokes about my condition

Don't tell me I'm faking. Don't tell me it's something I'm eating. Don't tell me it's because I need to lose weight. You are not a doctor. I have seen over ten doctors. You don't know anything about what is happening to me. Do not diagnose me. Stop trying to fix me. I just want your company. And when you aren't trying to fix me, you are joking about my condition. The above four topics, particularly 2 and 3 were instances in which I'm angry about now and can joke about now, but at the time of occurrence, killed me. Made me want to cry. Because people are mean and don't understand how hard it is for me to live with a professional kickboxer inside my head who is constantly training for some big event. You don't know what you're talking about. You are hurting my feelings. Stop being a jerk.

#6: DON'T EVER TELL ME IT'S BECAUSE OF THE MEDICINE I'M ON

I once had a friend who I was very close with and who I had a lot in common with. We bonded quickly and hung out a lot. We really shared some deep stuff. Upon being friends for a month, she proceeded to tell me that my headaches were probably because I was taking too much medicine and if I stopped maybe they would go away. And she said it so much that one day I decided, "Screw medicine! I'm not taking this shit anymore! I hate the way it makes me feel." So one night, I didn't take my medicine. And my mom came in and looked at me and told me she wasn't leaving until I took my medicine. We stood there for two hours, arguing back and forth. And tears were dropped, mean things were said and confidences cracked in half. (My mom is a pharmacist btw. Meaning she knows her shit more than a 16 year old high school student) And in the end I did take it, but by then I was broken. I didn't trust anything. I hated everything. All because of this one person, who got in my head. Safe to say that in the end (which is now) we aren't friends anymore.

And finally:
#7: Do not tell me to not freak out because there are other people who have it worse

I am aware that I do not have cancer. I am aware that there is a five year old child that does. And guess what, we share the same boat. Granted, their side of the boat has holes and they are sinking. But I'm sinking too. We are both drowning. The difference is that kid has a diagnosis. And that kid has treatments. And that kid, has answers. That kid has definity. I am just floating in this ocean of uncertainty. Will something show up on my MRI some day? Will I ever find out what exactly is wrong with me, how to treat it and if I can pass it to my kids? Will there ever be answers. I get it, that kid has it worse, because they are a child and they do not have good success rates. And they have to go through chemo and stuff. I feel for them. But them having it worse, does not make my pain any less real. We both hurt. We both have lives that suck. In the end, it's not who has it worse, it's that neither of us has a cure. Our boat is still sinking.

Wild Ride

So life happened. And it's going to keep happening so I need to stop getting so freak out when it happens.

It's dramatic and unfortunate sometimes yes, but that's just how it goes.

Everybody feels pain. I'm not the only one. It feels like that sometimes. But it's not the truth. And I know it.

Well This Wasn't Supposed To Happen At All

So this, for lack of better wording, sucks. Reader, this is absolute ass.

Yeah, you just read that. It's ass.

I live on hope.  I couldn't dream to live without it. Yet I find my self compellingly thriving to exist in a world where it is nonexistent. Because where I am right now, is off the grids. It's long past happiness and just shy of torture. It's limbo.

I am living in Limbo. The world of existentially nothing, where you are neither lost or found. Where you are what you are deep down. And no one can save you. And I find myself falling deeper and deeper into this pit of despair.

Hell, I don't even think Limbo wants me anymore. I'm actually clinging to it for dear life.

Because I gave up everything. I was forced to give up everything.

Has someone ever offered you a chance? A chance to change it all and redefine who you are and what you live for?

My doctor offered me a chance for survival. I was falling at a slow state, but the matter was that I was still falling. I had fooled myself into believing that I was upright. That things were better. There was change on the horizon.

So I snatched that opportunity with as much gusto as the moment could summon. To be better? To get my pain free moment? Even for only a few seconds of relief, I would not let that pass. But I should have.

I switched my toxin. The toxin that had saved me, but not cured me. I tossed it away like a piece of driftwood that was wet. And I stumbled toward the shores of a new hope.

But my new hope was fake. It was a shattered storm before I even took a breath. And I should have guessed that from the pain. From the vertigo. From the shadows flitting across and attacking my vision. But I didn't. And I let it go. And I embraced the new. And it knocked me right back to the beginning.

The ground is cold and my feet are wet, trying desperately to grip the pavement. To feel something solid, something I could count on and hold onto.

But it's all gone. And I'm just stuck in the pits. Curled up and ready to throw the towel in again. And maybe this time I will.

Because I'm so tired. And I may just quit. Because two and a half years was enough for me.

Getting Cray

Like fo shizzle. LOL JK I'm half white.

Oh man, I recall when that was average language around my neck of the woods. Hell in some places it still is.

So it's Black Friday everyone! I hope none of you got trampled...or you know, lose a wig.

This time of year is really exciting for me. The impending surge of something magical is just around the corner.

The holidays will forever be my favorite time of the year.  Everyone says it's just because my birthday is in the beginning of December or that it's me still living in some fantasy childhood world. Whatever that means.

Yet, it's none of those things. My birthday? It's alright. If there needs to be a special day to spend extra time with the ones I love, then I'll gladly take it.

It's the feeling though. I don't know how everyone doesn't feel it. Right after November ends, the air just changes. Sure, you could chalk it up to some pollution or conspiracy theory, but it's all but.

That sensation when you walk outside and the first thing you smell is crisp, fresh air or the sweet, calming scent of distant burning wood, it just takes me to a place I get to go for one whole month every single year. A quintessential, homely little world where the joy of the seasons can be touched by any outreached hand. When you can walk into someone's home to be greeted by lively decorations or the smell of baking cookies or a fresh tree.

Even for those who don't celebrate. I don't think even they can ignore it. It's palpable. Living and breathing. Extending its warmth to all.

The holidays celebrate a time of getting together. Of forgetting the troubles of yesterday or the future and focusing on the importance of the present time. Of being grateful for a warm home and loving family and friends. Because nowadays that's a scarcity that's soon to become extinct if not cherished.

I know it's easy to get caught up in worries, troubles, heartaches. Trust me, I feel the pain every single minute. But where I am right now is a place I could never have dreamed of two years ago, when I thought I couldn't make it through the week. And looking back, I discovered strength that I never knew I was capable of. Whether it was pulling through because I had to for someone or proving to myself that I could, I've developed a lot of things. Hope is the biggest thing that has gotten me through. Support is something I wouldn't be here without. Love, something that I never thought I was worthy of in my present state has been one of the greatest things of all. Perseverance, I don't know if I hadn't had it if I would have make it through. Sometimes when all you do is raise instead of fold, you get lucky with the cards you already possessed.

I know that I'm lucky. And I am more than aware of others that are not. And I want to do everything I can to appreciate what I've got and give what I can to those who don't.

Everyone deserves to be happy. This year I'll do my best to ensure that I pay it forward like never before. I'm not waiting until next year to resolve. It starts now. Join me. I dare you.

Too lazy to stop the End of the World

Some people just change your life. Best friends, family, pets, co-workers, significant others, etc. Don't let them slip away. Let them know every single day how much they mean to you. It can be easy to lose sight of the amazingness that once drew you to a person for whatever reason. Don't appreciate it less because it's always around. 

Appreciate it more because it could be gone tomorrow.

So

Where can I begin? Well reader, all is well...good. Still. Which in my life is absolutely amazing. Nothing ever lasts this long without crashing and burning in the process. But something seems to be working. And I'm not sure what it is exactly, but there's something. And I don't really care what it is.

I've waited too long for this to care for details.

So I'm not asking anymore. I'm just living, each day one day at a time. And I may have to do that forever. But right now forever doesn't seem so bad anymore, not with what I've got.

Stay strong, you WILL make it through these storms.

Mom

Let's talk about moms, shall we?

I would be nowhere without this woman. Literally.

I know for a fact that I hate children. With a legitimate passion. They're impatient, I'm impatient and neither of us are mature enough to adapt to the other. It's great.

But in my extreme hate of children, I've gotten such an amazing sense of respect and gratitude toward my parents, particularly my mother. Not to say that I don't love both of my parents dearly, because God knows I do. But there's a certain bond between a mother and her daughter. Girls, you know what I mean. Guys, you probably kinda do, too.

This woman is the strongest, most determined, most intelligent, loving, supportive, and when it comes down to it, goddamn miraculous person I know. And I hate to admit that these past few years have probably been the worst for her to deal with. From my brother's depression, to breaking her leg on vacation, to my migraines and my brother's dropping out of college, things have taken the phrase "a downward spiral" to a new level.

But she's handled it like a champion. And I will never ever be able to thank her enough for the lifetime of opportunity and love she's given me.

She is my real life hero. There is no one else that I'd rather aspire to be.

I love you Mom, thank you for everything.

There's just a moment where you realize how powerful something can be. The crash of thunder followed by a slither of lightning. Shattering a tree much taller than the length of the bolt. Setting the girth of something so grounded into flames, destroying, engulfing. Hearing someone I love dearly talk about the way another person could change his life, it sounded nonsensical. But then, as he continued, it sounded...absolutely raw. Real. Even possible. Attainable. With patience. And an open heart.

Words can be just words.

Words can be a realm of possibility.

A chance to explain what actions cannot.

To prove to another that it is real. It is possible. It's not a fairy tale.

Love is out there.

With a big smile and open arms.


Waiting for you.


Make sure you grab it.

Some Things

NOT to be confused, dearest reader, with the things. Completely different.

So there are some exciting and not so exciting things coming up for me.

Exciting thing number one: I'm going back down the shore for a dayish maybe two. Which means there are only two significant words in my vocabulary now: BEACH NAPS. I partake in the casual everyday nap, but there's just some magical beauty of a beach nap that no other nap can touch. Whether it's the warm press of sun against exposed skin, the calming crash of waves that surrounds you, the gentle cry of seagulls to add subtle change, or the soft sand beneath you, they just are so much better. This is especially true if you have spent the entire day at the beach actually doing things, like going in the water or walking along the shore or tackling people into the sand that you don't really know all too well, but they were asking for it.

No matter what the reason, by the end of a few hours in the sun, I am inexplicably tired as hell. And I've realized that the above reasons somehow turn my at least twenty minute nap into the REM excursion of a life time. You wake up more refreshed, more calm, more amiable. Prior to beach naps, I'm not gonna lie, on some days, I'm just bitchy. The sun's too oppressive, the water's too cold to adjust to, let alone filled with seaweed and sharp shells, the wind is blowing too hard, leading to sand storms and I likely got mild to moderate sun burn on my nose or lips.

It's rough. And that's being nice. Now by this time my brain has already weighed the pros and cons of staying at the beach. Recently, however, instead of just signaling to my vocal chords to express the need to go home, my brain has reconsidered. Now, all I hear is "nap time" and I'm quite positive nothing could ruin it. I realize that reason in itself means someone/something is bound to ruin it, but I'm gonna risk it until that happens.

Beach naps are the equivalent of transforming into a sleeping baby rabbit.

Mush

Hey guys. So. Have you ever had one of those days? You know, the good kind? Because, on a side serious note, there are the bad kinds of "those days", particularly referenced to by "one of those days".

ANYWAYS, but I'm like having one of those good days. And I mean GOOD. And it's totally only like 1 am. But I'm quite confident today is going to be phenomenal.

But then again, that just may be the promise of seeing Adam Rodriguez shirtless. HE'S SO HOT.

I don't know. I think I've just been thinking too much about Octodad and how well things are going.

I'm going to fill you guys in on a secret that I probably shouldn't put on the interwebz for all to see. Especially Octodad. Because I haven't told him yet.

I'm pregnant.

JUST KIDDING that'd be awful. Unless I'm pregnant with a migrainous pain baby. In which case, I'm approximately 14 months overdue. Sweet.

Anyways. No. Seriously this time.

My feelings this time around are a hell of a lot different than they were last year. I just...I don't know. Last time I still really liked him, and I never stopped liking him.

But I guess that was the thing. I only liked him. I guess that's why I was confused when the break up went so poorly.

Which given the definition of a break up, was supremely ignorant of me.

But I digress.

So, yeah. I just. Last year, as you all know, was probably the worst year of my life. Everything was just everywhere and I was caught in this maelstrom of awfulness. And then I met Octodad.

And I didn't care how many times I had told myself that there was no room at all for anyone in my life. Hell, there was barely room for me. And it's not like I forgot that there was this tidal wave of pain and hell going on in my life, because let's be honest, you can't just drop that on a dime. I knew all too well of my situation.

But then there was this absolute revelation. And it was him.

And I honest to God, really really hate myself for saying it. But it's true.

Let me tell you something guys. And you damn well better listen up.

You will meet somebody, somewhere, someday. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. It doesn't matter. You will meet them. And something will happen. You will hear the click. The physical sound as the cogs mesh together in unity. Your conversation will flow easily. You laughter will be genuine. You will leave your interaction wondering what exactly just happened, with a smile. You will think about this person. You will be elated when you begin to see this person on a daily basis.

And maybe you guys start to talk. And then you call each other. And then you start going out. And everything is amazing. But your stupid freaking condition interferes. No, not the medical one.

Your stupid psychological issue with human emotion and physical proximity/action with other living beings. And you freak out. And you let your brain think too much. And you kind of shove your heart to the side. And you ruin everything. And then you break up with the most amazing boy in the entire world on Valentine's Day over text message. Because you're an absolute monster. And you think it's cool if you guys just still be friends.

NO NO NO NO NO ladies, stop it. STOP asking guys to be friends with you when you break up with them. Because guess what? They may have been in love with you. And to go from their ideal infatuation to their friend is like being engaged to someone and having them say the day of the wedding, "yeah, um this isn't working out. but we can still be friends, right?"  But you'd be okay with that, right? Yeah, that's what I thought.

With careful revision, I immediately realized that I'd made the biggest mistake in the world. But I thought I was smart in realizing that I couldn't just take it all back. In looking back, I really should have gone back to him and talked it all out.

But guess what? That wasn't my state of mind. Because it was stressful. I was barely keeping up with friendships. How was I ever going to keep up a relationship? I wasn't. I would never have been able to. Not then. Just...no.

But guess what else? Decisions have consequences. And I missed the hell out of him and everything we were when I was at the lowest point in my current life. When I was homebound schooled and utterly alone and distant, just an arms length away from the real world, stuck on the outside looking in. And I cried. A lot.

And I was depressed. Legitimately diagnosed and on an antidepressant which made my weight fluctuate which was the last thing I needed at the moment. In too much pain to do much of anything, I was lost. And there was no light at the end to look forward to. No one that was going to hold me up and help me through.

I had literally fucked myself over. And I did nothing to fix it.

Now you must be thinking, "wow, this is quite the post for someone in a supposed good mood"

DON'T QUESTION ME.

I'm getting there,

You'd be right any other time. But this actually is exactly the post to make in a good mood. When this can't bring me down from my happiness. Because guess what? That stupid phrase you alway hear "Distance makes the heart grow fonder", it's true.

No matter where I went, I was constantly reminded of Octodad somehow. Even in Canada. CANADA.

That's how I knew. I really screwed up. And I needed to fix it. There would be a text every now and then. But then it all started happening again. The cogs meshed like a well oiled machine. Like it hadn't missed a step. Like we hadn't missed a step.

And here we are. This amazing place that I hadn't even known existed, let alone that I'd ever be there. And it was worth every misstep, every problem.

It only takes one person. One moment. To change everything.

"I was using my brain, it's the heart's turn..." - Karmin "Inside Out".

What I'm saying is I'm absolutely, hopelessly, uncontrollably in love.

Hobbling like a Hobbit, Erry Day

HIIIIII!! So, guess who's a little super excited?!?! ME.

What a surprise. I know. But AHHHH I'm just crazy ecstatic right now.

And let me tell you why: something's working!

That's right!!!! Now as many of you know, I've been battling constant daily migraines, nonstop 24/7, for the past 22 months. And exactly two days ago I took a chance on Osteopathic Manipulation. There's a world of information on the interwebz out there on this stuff. Now, if you know anyone in this situation or hell, if YOU'RE in this situation, listen up! Even people who go for physical therapy or chiropractor, I'd keep an ear open for this.

I'm not saying it works miracles, because this was my first time going for this, ever. But this is the absolute best I've felt in FOREVER. Well I mean, not forever , but almost two years in pain is just too much.

Now some of you know, some of you don't. I made some choices during these past months. Some that I really regretted, but admittedly, they were choices that had to ultimately be made. But recently it's all been changing. I'm receiving Dysport injections instead of Botox, I'm still on Nortriptaline (Pamelor), I'm on Losartan, Mag-Ox, B2 and Xyzal. And Migralex.

Migralex, OH MY GOD. This is like, something amazing. It's a combination of 1000 mg of Asprin and 500 mg of Magnesium and it works wonders. If typical migraine medicines, prescription or over the counter, do not work for you, I highly recommend your trying this. It's just, a lifesaver.

But back to everything, so something in that mix is working. And now throwing OM into it all, I'm really confident that my cycle is going to be broken and this headache will finally be gone.

Things are just amazing. I'm out of school and finally a Senior! I'm able to spend sooooo much more time with my friends and just catching up and being crazy and whatnot. Octodad and I are still hitting it off pretty fantastically, although I miss him terribly (He's at tennis camp in Ohio). But overall, my life is finally looking up. And 22 months ago, I never EVER thought I'd be able to say that. It's definitely been a journey. But in the end I'm stronger from it. And hell, I mean, if I survive this, nothing's ever gonna get me down again.

I've been doing sooooooooo much yoga and my annual week down the shore with the family is finally approaching. I got some new clothes, I've been getting sooo much exercise and sunlight. The bunnies are amazing and adorable as ever. I couldn't ask for anything else. I'm finally better than good.

Sooooo let's talk about the title of this blog post. So. That exercise thing. It's been kicking my butt. I'm a big fan of yoga and pilates, as you all know, and I have been following Blogilates on Youtube. Now I know my limits and I cannot do all of these workouts fully or at all. So I watch and modify. BUT, I decided to do a workout for my calves.

Now I walk up the stairs on the balls of my feet as opposed to the whole bottom of my foot. I don't know why, I always have. It's weird. It likely also contributes to my uncoordination. I also do like calf raises, or so they're apparently called, when I'm just standing around. Not to be healthy and active. Just because I'm weird. I do lots of weird things like that Spongebob's excited face and dance. I do that too. I'm strange.

Anyways. That's what the video was about! Weighted calf raises for the length of some pop song with three variations. Easy enough right? So halfway through the video I was like "MY CALVES AHHH THEY BURN LIKE HADES FURY" but I'm the type of person who thinks that and then pushes myself through it because I'm dumb. And dedicated. But mostly dumb. Anyways I pushed through it and made it to the end of the video feeling pretty good about myself. Then I did another video (smart, I know) for arms. That also involved weights and about a gazillion more reps. To say the least, I don't know how I survived, but I'm never doing it again.

My calves don't really need definition. They're pretty defined on their own somehow. Anyways. I didn't know how to stretch out my arms, so I just let them be. I only know one way to stretch out my calves, and that's by the runner's stretch. SO I did that.

THE NEXT DAY I could not walk. I was hobbling like no one's business. It was quite the scenario. I was not a fan. I was on the verge of crying everytime I tried to stretch my arms out or my calves. And the little baby massage to my calves made my cry. Like legit tears and sadness because IT HURT SO BAD. I didn't even use the weights!!!!

Lesson learned kids, if your muscles don't need definin' don't define them. Because you end up looking like a hobbit without working arms. And no one wants that.

PS. Do many of you ever make the mistake and accidentally write "noone" instead of "no one". I don't. Because I'm a grammar nazi. But I know people who do. And I can say without a doubt that it is the funniest thing I've ever seen and I've never laughed so hard. I'm such a nerd that I have dreams with grammar puns in them. And I actually think they're funny. Nice.

P.P.S. I had a badass dream about laser tag. AND HALO. HALO LASER TAG. And I was such a BOSS. I beat everyone and I looked awesome. And I woke up wanting to play halo to realize that we don't own any Halo games. It made me sad. But then I beat Peggle and Plants v Zombies and felt better. Then I tried to play Left 4 Dead and realized that my lack of hand-eye coordination makes me suck and dual analog controllers. UGGHHH WHY?!?! I'm going to buy Halo soon and master the dual analogs and be like SUCK IT!!!!!

All Day Err Day

So let's talk.

Remember a few posts ago when I was like all happy and life is yes? No? Feeling depressed? You should check it out. It was good times.

However, that's not the case. There are legitimately 6 full days of school left for me. A meager six days.

In realizing that I feel as if a trip to Mordor would just be easier and honestly more enjoyable.

Remember that whole migraine business I've been handed? Yeah, me too. And I'm not sure if I've said it here or not, but because of my rejection of all things emotional, I've dedicated one day every 8 weeks to be full out as depressed about it as I'd like.

Unfortunately, since my life's been all giggles and smiles recently, I tried pushing it off to three months. This was a poor idea.

Because it hit me. Last night. When I couldn't sleep for the life of me. And it hit me in what can only be described as the way Sarah Palin clubs baby seals. So awful.

So my almost tri-monthly breakdown began. My day yesterday was one of those days where it's like all these little things keep happening one after the other until you just break. Normally, it just makes me furious. Last night, it made me cry. Like with each swing of the club, my life problems just hit me one by one by one. Until I realized that since freshman year, I've never caught a break from this bad spell of occurrences.

The fact that this all began because of a head splitting migraine wasn't helping. But eventually I calmed down and forced myself to believe that my insomnia would fade and I would wake up the next morning without puffy eyes and frazzled hair and without a migraine and I would make it to school and continue my facade as a normal teenager.

Such was not the case. Instead my insomnia just got progressively worse with the pain and I was forced to realize that was never happening. What DID happen, however, was my progressive trip down memory lane via my camera and I saw something that I'd forgotten about. Something I never thought would happen.

I saw my videos from the Rockstar Energy Uproar Festival 2010. My first Avenged Sevenfold concert.

That band that pulled me through my awkward pubescent years. And admittedly the worst possible years of my life. And as I watched my small, jumpy and blurry at times, clip, I remembered everything. I remembered the feeling of... of life that I had at that concert. At the prime of my troubles. And the feeling of unity with the crowd, with the band, with the music. I could close my eyes and just picture the lighters and cell phones that illuminated the night sky as we paid tribute to one of the greatest drummers in the world. I could remember looking up out into the star lit sky, knowing that this moment made me feel like I had a purpose.

And it's stupid and unimaginative and naive to believe those things. But I don't care.

My part in that concert meant something. And it will always mean something.

Moments like that don't happen every day. They pass by in a flash because people are too busy worrying about what they need to accomplish, or who they need to impress or what they want from life. But taking on so much at once just overwhelms you.

So stop. Whatever you're doing can wait five more minutes. Close your eyes, take six deep breaths through your diaphragm, your shoulders should not move up and down. And listen to the noises around you. Smell the scent wherever you are. Evaluate your feelings from your toes to your head. Stretch a little. Shrug and relax your shoulders. Breathe out through your mouth.

Don't let it all run you down. Because you will outrun it one day. But you don't want that problems or those issues to be the only things you remember.

The Importance of Perserverance and Perspective

Since my life is in the best position that it's likely going to be at this point, today seemed like a good day for this. Because I wouldn't have ever made it here if I'd given up 21 months ago. And I can't say that I never thought about it. I can't say that I never had days where I just couldn't get up and do anything. I did. We all do. It's just something that happens. I can't say I was never depressed. I can't say I never thought it would ever get any better. Because I didn't. I just thought I'd be stuck in this rut. This pain filled way of life forever. And I would have without every person who's stood by me and those who've walked out on me.

I'm not going to make this long, and I'm not giving anyone a lecture on how to live their life. I'm just putting it out there what happened to and is happening to me.

In short, 21 months ago I began getting constant headaches which turned out to be migraines. I've been through 3 neurologists, which doesn't sound like a lot, but if you have migraines and you've been to a neurologist, you know that you have to spend at least 2-3 months with one before you can move on. The reasoning for that is that many medications take at least 5-6 weeks to truly show any kind of change in your condition, in my case that was migraines.

So here I am, 21 months and 8 days later, still without a cure. But this time around, things are different. Because for some absolutely amazing reason I have the one thing that anyone in my position would die without: hope.

It seems strange that one word could really hold so much power in it. But it does. And my hope came from a lot of different things. A few of those things, were people. I'd be absolutely nowhere without my mother, father and brother. They have been the greatest support I could have ever asked for. I also wouldn't be anywhere without my best friend, whom you all know as Popcorn and my best friend/boyfriend, whom you all know as Octodad. These five people have been the ones that I could count on, no matter what. They were there when it was rough and they were there when it was almost normal.

To this day I could not possibly imagine my course in life had they been missing.

Hope is something I've had a falling out with and something I've been reunited with.

Hope is carrying me and the weight of everything on its shoulders and I am and I will forever be indebted.

To anyone who has ever had a rough moment in their life and maybe it hasn't stopped, I can't promise you that it's ever going to stop, but I can promise you that it will get better. And that's all I can promise you. There's really only cures for few select things in life. If you were lucky enough to get one, I wish you nothing but the best and I hope your happiness continues.

But if you're like me, and you're not so lucky, have hope. Do not give up.

"There'll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest. Don't you cry no more."

Tomatoes

Ahhh soo my lovelies, let's talk. There was a rant. The next day. I swear. But I decided not posting it was the best option. So I didn't. Copy?

But it's more than a month later and I'm happy to say things have been resolved. Quite nicely. To say the least.

Alrighty. So here's the low down. Remember that last post? With the teenage normalcy and complications? Yeah, me too. That was awful. Sorry about that. It wasn't cool.

But so that guy I was talking about? Hmm remember Octodad? That guy that I ruined everything with because I'm awful at life? He was that guy. What a surprise.

But nevertheless, such has since been renewed. No, everything in my life is still pretty crazy and hectic and I probably don't have the room that I needed last year. But I made some. Because some things you can't just let pass twice. So I didn't.

Girls. Guys. Whomever or whatever you are. LISTEN UP.

That thing or person that you want? GO FOR IT. Right now. Get up and go get it!

I spent many an hour pondering the repercussions on acting on something where I would not know the outcome until it happened. And guess what? It was worth it. It payed off. I absolutely DO NOT regret it. And neither does my boyfriend ;)

Because guess what? When every choice is planned out and every action anticipated, it's boring and it's not life. And it's never going to be life. So give up on that ideal.

Life is about unpredictability. I'm not saying go jump off a bridge because hey, just because other people haven't survived doesn't mean that you won't. No. That's dumb.

But that thing that you've been wanting to say or that thing you've been wanting to do? It's worth the risk. Because looking back and going "Man I wish I'd done this..." is the worst feeling in the world.

So to prove to you that it works, here's what happened.

I spent almost every night on the phone with Octodad, telling him everything and nothing. And always just wanting to blurt out that I still had more than enough feelings for him. Because I never really got over him. Even though I broke up with him. Because I didn't break up with him because I stopped liking him. I just wasn't in the position to be the best girlfriend I could be or that he deserved. But now I was willing so much to try to be.

So one night, I started to say it, but I stopped, because I was scared. I'd never been in such a place of vulnerability before. I'd avoided being in that position my entire life. But when he asked what I was going to say, I decided to stop running from it. So I told him. And I knew there'd be complications. But I had to let him know.

And guess what? Those feelings weren't imaginary. Those sparks weren't all in my head. They were 100% real AND mutual.

So we both cleared up some stuff. And a few days later made confirmed it all. And so it is.

And can I set something else straight? Just because you broke up with someone once doesn't mean it can't work again.

I actually feel like it's kinda better. Because you already know all the kinks and how the other person reacts and what buttons NOT to push. It's like the first run was a beta test and now you've got the real thing.

In short, everything is cleared up on my end. Everything is going as great as it's going to get until my health clears up and I've got the best guy in the world until that day comes.

So my homies, peace out.

Now it's your turn.

Sigh

You know you've fallen into classic teenage normalcy that you've been trying so desperately to avoid when you realize that you've fallen quite close into love (but not love, because if it was love it would occupy your every second and this only occupies your mind maybe 50-60% of the time) with your ex-boyfriend who happens at the moment to be one of your current best friends and yes, currently has a girlfriend. Sigh. There's just people who make you realize that you're life was less complicated before you met them, but that you'd take every complication over simple normalcy. These things, the teenager things. There will be a rant tomorrow. Trust me.

WHAT SAY YOU

So today it was rainy and as when it is rainy, and it was the best kind of rain, I wear my snow boots when I go outside for anything because unlike everyone else in the world, I have common sense and I actually enjoy my other shoes sans mud and rain decor. But whenever I go out, there's always that one person. The one who's destined to make everyone else feel bad about everything they've ever accomplished in life. You know who I'm talking about. This person has been otherwise referred to as "that guy" and "that guy" still doubles as "that girl" but no one says "that girl" because it's not as catchy.

ANYWAYS. So I had to run to the store with my mom to get the things. Quit point on my height. I am short. However, not so short that I can't ride the good rides, because I made damn sure of that when I was growing.

So this person walks up to me and looks at my boots and then at me, smacking their lips obnoxiously because of what I can only presume was the most disgusting chewing gum in the world because of the look on their face. This person goes, "HEY, are those your boots?"

I would like to address the fact that this person, who has obviously been staring at me, with the boots ON MY FEET and then proceeds to open with that line. I was just blown away by the stupidity. NO these are the boots I stole from a homeless person, MY boots are in the car. Asshole.

"Yes."

"They ugly."

I was again, shocked. SHOCKED. WHO DOES THIS?!?! Who says things like this to random strangers who just ran into the store to buy ONE thing! ONE. That's not even addressing the absolute horrid grammatical errors in that phrase that DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A VERB. Articulation. It's all I ask of people. ONE THING and they stabbed it in the heart with a little dagger until it bled out on the ground with a gasp.

Needless to say, I was obviously more than words angry with this person. So, they had it coming. I exploded.

"WHAT SAY YOU ABOUT UGLY?!?!"

This person was taken aback. I was taken aback. The death of my little grammar friend obviously took a piece of me with it. The chocolate chips, which were the ONLY reason I entered the store in the first place, flew out of my hands in rage and landed somewhere in the next isle. Then the store got really quiet. And I waited. I was daring the person to say something, ANYTHING back.

"You ruuuudddeee."

"GNAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

I just walked out. WITHOUT my chocolate chips.

As I left, it was like the rain understood my rage. It hailed down in freezing pelts the moment after I got back in the car. It was singing me a song of deep anger and hatred. I usually hate rain.

It always comes with humidity and heavy wetness and everything else disgusting in this world. It's like the sloths of people rejoice with the rain and exit their homes for their natural habitat.

But today it felt appropriate.

The Hunger what??

So I bet you've all heard about this. I can't take two steps in my high school without hearing the rave reviews. I'm sure you've seen the parodies that are funny yet respectful and not really even that harsh. You know what's coming. The Hunger Games. Oh Dear God. WHY? Why? Why? WHY??? I just...I can't...NO.  No no no no no. I refuse.

If you're not quite on the ball with all new and upcoming popularity that the once secluded realm that is books is breaching, let me fill you in. In September of 2008 (oh yes, it's just getting big NOW) UK author Suzanne Collins released the first of a trilogy called The Hunger Games. And just to give you the accurate description, I went and got you the overview as told by Barnes and Noble. Go ahead, check. I'm not lying.

Could you survive on your own, in the wild, with everyone out to make sure you don't live to see the morning?

In the ruins of a place once known as North America lies the nation of Panem, a shining Capitol surrounded by twelve outlying districts. The Capitol is harsh and cruel and keeps the districts in line by forcing them all to send one boy and one girl between the ages of twelve and eighteen to participate in the annual Hunger Games, a fight to the death on live TV. Sixteen-year-old Katniss Everdeen, who lives alone with her mother and younger sister, regards it as a death sentence when she is forced to represent her district in the Games. But Katniss has been close to dead before-and survival.

Sounds exciting right? Wrong. I tried to love this book. I really did. I tried to fall in love with it. But, I just couldn't. Now I'm going to tell you guys something that is completely going to disqualify my rant as soon as you hear it, but I'm not a bigot, so I'm going to say it.

I read the Twilight series. AND I liked it. 

I know. 

Now before you go off on me, I would like the chance to explain. The biggest reason I enjoyed Twilight was because when I read it, I was in the "target audience". I was 12 or 13. I was in the preteen glory that is oh so susceptible to the stupid promises of consumable reading material. 

Now years passed and after wasting several hours just trying to endure what Summit Entertainment presumes is "quality" theatre. In translation, I wanted to claw my eyes out and puncture my eardrums over and over and over again. What was this madness? Why is it all so idealistic? WHY IS GOD'S NAME DID I WILLINGLY GO TO A CHICK FLICK?!??!?!?!!!! 

I will not take that back. And guys, don't even try to defend yourself. It's a chick flick, through and through. And if you even try to come at me with, "but what about all the sex and manliness in the last one??" Well, I WOULD take that into consideration had that movie not been deemed PG-13. So have fun with all those "sex" scenes. Maybe you'll even see people besides Taylor Lautner without a shirt on. OH GOLLY GEE!!! 

So in an attempt to prove to myself that the movie industry had yet again destroyed all things sacred to me, I reread the series. Oh boy was THAT a mistake. 

It didn't make sense. How could I have glorified something so...so...banal? It was the Clique series all over again, except this time, they turned it into the worst Sci-Fi I'd ever seen. And I watched the new Star Wars, so I know what I'm talking about.

Now I know what's next in your minds. HARRY POTTER!! YOU MUST LOVE HARRY POTTER! YESSS! ..........no. 

Now I can't even fully discredit the Potter fans out there. Truth is when Harry Potter came out, it came out at the prime time for my brother, three years my elder. However for me....not so much. I was too young, my attention span too sparse to even consider J.K. Rowlings' monster of a series. I mean that in a good way. Really. But to a six year old, a book a depth thicker than my body just screamed BORING. 

Unfortunately, when I did begin, not so shortly after to LOVE and I mean LOVE reading and books and the fantastical world that it offered, Harry Potter had passed. It had faded away with the generation before me. Now not literally because once Harry Potter was out, it was out forever. To this day, I'm still sure that when my grandchildren have grandchildren, it will be a book revered. It will be their Mother Goose stories. 

Now let's not get too off track here. Like I said, Harry Potter has passed me. And now with a myriad of books in a reservoir just waiting to be read, I dare not even think of throwing Harry in there. Although, maybe next summer...

So Hungry Games. Sorry, Hunger Games. Same thing. So that overview sounded pretty sweet, huh?  That's what I thought. Anything even resembling the Apocalypse or a Post-Apocalyptic world (hellooo 9) screamed out to me from the dark abyss of books. That and it was recommended by a family member whom I trust. 

Unfortunately the Hunger Games  and I were not meant to be. I tried guys, I mean it. But...nothing. And I mean NOTHING. It just didn't do it for me.

The names were too far fetched, the concept was too ridiculous and for my personal selection it was wasn't grounded enough for me. After my deviation from the darkness that I usually read into Twilight, I made sure to never make that mistake again. And so therefore the Hunger Games trilogy gets two thumbs down from me. 

Now look, I'm not trying to say, "Oh this book sucks and it's terrible and it should never have been published and if you like it you're a douche." NO, that's not at all what I'm trying to say. What I'm trying to say is this book was not something I enjoyed. I didn't even finish it. I couldn't. I read half. And that was still too much. I know this is great for some people. So if you haven't read it, go out there and give it a try. 

This was just my two cents (God, I'm ancient) on a popular book that I thought needed to be expressed. 

However if this review sounds exactly like your thoughts, I'm currently reading a fantastic book. Which is also part of a trilogy. That's how I like my books, short and sweet. And by that I mean the author doesn't try to push good material past it's due date. I'M TALKING TO YOU HOLLYWOOD. 

You can check it out here.