Sunday, August 21, 2011


Is ugly. Just kidding, I don't know you. You're probably really super attractive. Have fun with that.

So I meant to write some super awesome actually important somewhat kind of post earlier today, but it just didn't have the heart and soul that I was looking for. And by heart and soul I mean crazy ridiculous use of words that are not words and SUPER DRAMATIC CAPITALIZATION. boom.

Tomorrow I'M GOING ON AN ADVENTURE TO NARNIA!! And I will get awesome piggy back rides from Aslan and THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. except be jealous. SUPER JEALOUS.

So, I'm using that word a lot. Oh well. Anyways, guess who's super amazing hotty hotness sexy guy? M. SHADOWS.

That's right, you've walked right into...wait for it.........................



So, I'd make this a countdown, but I don't have an exact number, so let's just wing it.


2. Corey Taylor

SO. MUCH. HOTNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God, where do I begin. Not only is this guy SUPER ATTRACTIVE, his voice is one of the greatest things I've ever had the pleasure of listening to. He can scream the shit out of your ears and have you begging for more. Acclaimed singer of Slipknot and Stone Sour and newcome author, Taylor is obviously going places. He's been to a lot of places too. Reading, PA was one of them in January. HIS HOTNESS IS UNBEARABLE IN PERSON. From the growls of Pulse Of The Maggots to the smooth depth of Bother and the ice cold chilling voice in Omega, this dude is beyond just being a metal god. He's got one hell of a voice and one hell of a personality paired with one hell of a smokin hot face. I could listen to hours of this guy.

3. Ivan Moody

HOW HOT IS HE?!?! Man, there's just something about great arms, aviators and tattoos that just does it for me. What can I say? I loves me a badass guy. Not to be confused with a "bad boy" which does absolutely nothing for me. If you happen to be wearing a sweet leather jacket? I'm so putty in your hands. The velvety smooth voice that can break off or give way to throttling screams is one of a kind. Been neglecting your ears recently? Did you like Bad Company's "Bad Company?" Turn up the volume and prepare for some eargasms. That's so not a word. THIS POST IS A WIN! Being super attractive, now that's just a bonus.

4. Phil Labonte.

SO BADASS IT'S WORTH HYPERVENTILATING OVER. Yes ladies, reach for that brown lunch bag and get ready to scream your girly heads off because this guy plays to win. Do you see the veins popping out of his arm?!?! I swear, this's gotta be my type. That or I'm a metal fangirl extremist. Maybe both. But if we mean business, this is our guy. Showing a daunting soft side (or as soft as metal gets) with Forever In Your Hands and Two Weeks or just throwing his entire energy into crazy growls and screams in Six and The Air That I Breathe, this vocal range knows no limits. Nor does this hotness.


1. M. Shadows

*drool* FOREVER. oh.My.GOD. There is no single possible way to try and put this hotness into words. Now keep in mind, I had to pick ONE picture. Which I couldn't, so I picked two.

AHHHH COULD HE BE ANY CUTER?!?! Despite the fact that he's amazingly hotter than the sun and its inhabitants, he's possibly the sweetest guy in the world. But come on, those eyes, the arms, the body, the face, THE DIMPLES!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dear lord this is the greatest looking guy in the universe. And on top of all that, there's his voice. OH. DEAR. GOD. Where to begin!? It's amazinger than amazing. It's better than the best. It's greater than the greatest. It's pretty much perfection. Even in the dog days (which NEVER existed) when he'd never heard of vocal coaching, this guy was amazing. The heartbreaking emotion in Warmness on the Soul, I wish he was singing to me. It feels like he is. Then the throaty growls of Second Heartbeat. The melodic soul in Seize The Day. The chilling echoes of Brompton Cocktail. The blood boiling rage in God Hates Us and the tear jerking beauty of Fiction. This is the God of Metal Gods. This is perfection at its finest. THIS IS THE HOTTEST GUY IN THE WORLD.

So did I get any of yours? Is there someone I missed? Don't worry, someday I'm going to make a post of just hot guys in general. But I'll be going to sleep happy having been able to sit and pick from billions of pictures of Corey Taylor to M. Shadows. BEST. DAY. EVER.



aaaaaaaaand now my fangirl picture freak show is over and we can all resume our totally average lives.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Sister Fail

YES I'M TALKING ABOUT NUNS. Really, I am. But I'm also talking about me too. As you've read in my other posts, I have an older brother. He is too awesome for words. But unfortunately, the other day I realized that I have never once prepared him for interactions with other girls. I know, you must be wondering, "How is that possible? You've only lived together your ENTIRE FREAKIN LIVES!!" This is true. However, I seemed to have failed at teaching him certain things.


Thing 1:

According to my mother and some of my other friends, apparently girls to not find it entertaining to sit and watch their brothers/boyfriends/husbands/etc play video games for hours and hours on end. This is absolutely astonishing to me. I will never understand this, because watching my brother play video games is one of our many secret bonding activities that we've been doing since I was born and he could use a controller.

Apparently "real", normal girls want their boyfriend/etc to take them places and to talk about things like feelings. FEELINGS. That just sounds disgusting to me. Also dumb. That's very stupid. Regular girls like to go places where their dearly beloved will sit there and listen to them talk hours on end about something Patricia did that was sooooooo 2005 and how they aren't talking anymore. This goes on for hours, like I mentioned beforehand, only to mention in the end about how it was all a misunderstanding because Patricia just got dumped by her boyfriend of forever and she was upset and taking everything out on Stacy but it's okay because they cried and hugged and made up and now they will talk about the shopping spree that occurred afterwards.

Thing 2:

Apparently another thing I have not prepared him for is a flood of unwarranted emotions at any given time. I'm not a very emotional person unless I become heavily invested in something like awesome TV shows like Bones, CSI, Supernatural, Dexter, etc. But apparently normal girls just break into sobs at any given time. For example:

Why is her spine curved? SCOLIOSIS. DEAL WITH IT. So example shows that girls will break out into big tears when confronted with this thing called Nature. But not just regular Nature, SUPER NATURE. Things that have been deemed just "too precious" to not spill water out of eye ducts.

This is only one example. But I''ll get to the others in my Thing examples soon. Girls also break out into sobs when: they make up with a friend, they are fighting with a friend, the flower they tried to grow dies, their nail breaks, their hair is frizzy, they weigh 90 lbs and need to gain weight but "shut up! I'm fat!", they see their friends in love, they are in love, there is a happy ending, and this list goes on forever, but you catch my drift.

Thing 3:

Movies. For a very long time now I have been thrilled and I mean absolutely freaking THRILLED to see any kind of violence, action, explosion, death with blood, guts and other totally necessary gore, and more explosions. This is not to say that I endorse all action movies that have NO PLOT LINE whatsoever. I'm talking to you Ninja Assassin. But I just can't stomach any romantic comedy. Well that's not true. ALMOST any romantic comedy. Just Friends was just too funny. If they took all the romantic out of that movie and made it straight up comedy it'd be movie gold. But not the point. The point is that I will most likely never ever understand the attraction to chick flicks. And by god are they called chick flicks for a reason.

To the guy who made The Notebook, I'm absolutely positive that you've given up the rights to your Y chromosome, so give it to someone that's actually going to use it. I grew up convinced that the author/producer of The Notebook was a girl, because only a girl could write such fantasized "perfection" of such an mundane and absolutely ridiculous concept of whatever in god's name that movie was actually about. However, apparently the author's name is NicoLAS, not Nicola Sparks. A GUY. I hope all men despise this paper thin, waste of manhood. I understand that this man knew where to publish and what to publish to rake in the cash, codeword: teenage girls. However what I don't understand is how he just took that plunge and threw away any sense of being a guy whatsoever for the cash. That just CAN'T be worth it.

This is another example of girls that cry over senseless things. When "The Rev" died, now THAT was worth tears. But the ending of "Dear John"? That was just ridiculous. Horse Sense? How is ANYONE supposed to take that camp name seriously??! Have I ever told you guys how I got dragged into that movie and then got caught trying desperately to sneak into Lego Star Wars instead? Probably not, that's a good story though.  Anyways, like I said, stupid.

Apparently girls do NOT like gore and blood and guts and Star Wars and Lord Of The Rings Trilogy Sessions. Girls like flowers, love and stupid plot lines.

Thing 4:

Music. I do not know how many times I've touched upon this topic, but I can guarantee you're sick of reading about it, so you can just skip this last one. Two words. TAYLOR SWIFT. There are several reasons why I just can't stand her, but I won't go into those today. However what I WILL go into is how her songs are the most stupid things that I've ever heard of. That's saying a lot. But I mean, come on, when you've got pre and teenage girls AND boys running around saying "MY LIFE IS A TAYLOR SWIFT SONG" you know things have gone too far.

Now instead of trying to make my point, I found a video to illustrate it with a much better vocabulary.

Okay, now that aside, that's not my biggest problem. My biggest problem is the reaction I get when I say that I'm into metal music. And this is the response from guys that I get, "What?!?! You can't like metal! You're a GIRL!!!!"


I can no longer just throw it out there that my favorite band is Avenged Sevenfold. Now they need proof. It's not that I don't have proof, because I have more than proof. But it's the fact that it's so entirely unbelievable that girls can like anything but Taylor Swift, Lady GaGa and Justin Beiber. I would name you a list of every metal band I liked and then some, but that list would go on forever. Guess who also loves classic rock?? ME.

Example 5: 

Being Petty . Have you ever noticed there's some standard that girls are "catty?" Never understood it. So she slept with your boyfriend, so what? I'm not saying it's forgivable because it's not, but why are you only mad at him?!?! It takes two, remember?! No, not that new one, the catchy one from back in the day. Or Sally stole your favorite nail polish and claims that it's hers now and won't give it back. Seriously? Go buy a new one. But don't sit in your room and cry about how your life is over and how Sally's such a bitch.

Another favorite? Jollie told Jim who told May who told Jake who told Karen that Bobby wants to make out with you! Who. Gives. A. FUCK?!?! Honestly, if it had to go through that many people, the guy's probably NOT interested. But you're so scared because what if he doesn't like your hair or dress?? Obviously if Bobby says you're ugly, the Apocalypse is going to happen. Christ, get it together! Who gives a fuck what Bobby thinks!?! Be independent for once in your life!

And I'm probably being petty. Right now. As I type. But my point is that your "dilemma" is really just a speck of nothingness of a whopping plate of world poverty. Johnny asked Rebecca to the dance even though he promised Karen who told Kate who told Uriah who told you that you'd  be his date! So now you're sitting in your room with a box of Kleenex, a bag of Reese's cups, a pint of Ben and Jerry's and the Titanic on loop, meanwhile some child in Africa just died of AIDS. Really, no, I'm honestly interested in how much worse your life is right now, continue.

So to sum this all up, I've officially prepared my brother for a girl who: Loves metal, gore, video games, Star Wars, Lord of The Rings, comics, machinima and baking. And who Hates: pop music, country, dolls, mermaids, butterflies, romantic things, romantic comedies, and emotions.

Something is telling me this girl doesn't exist in any state near us.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Lint She-Man-He-Man

I'm official college ready. For the past three weeks I've been thriving off of nothing but Ramen noodles and stove top s'mores. THREE WEEKS. College here I come!

I even took the time to draw you a S'more! He's GORGEOUS!

So, I know what you're thinking, "Why does my s'more have chicken pox AIDS?" It doesn't. I don't know about you guys, but our graham crackers come with perforations and these weird holes all over the place. I don't know what the hell the makers of those things were thinking, but they were obviously high when this all went down.

"DUUUUDDEE!!! You know what would make these even better?! WEED!"
"I don't know man, we'd probably get caught..."
"DUUUUUUUDDDDEE let's put holes in 'em!!!"

And that's why graham crackers are eaten and not adored.

So my mother is convinced that she can't recall ANYTHING from Courage the Cowardly Dog, which was my childhood dream show. Anytime that was on, I was watching.

Tonight we had eggplant. It reminded me of the evil French eggplants from that episode of Courage. I think that show is the reason I grew up hating French people. For some reason, this then reminded me of my absolute favorite episode of Courage that I plan to illustrate for you. If you thought the show was creepy, I recommend skipping this pictures which will be the show on an acid trip.

 This is the she-man-he-man lint person that no one could ever figure out what gender it was. This was my favorite character of all time.

Somehow, in the duration of the 30 minute episode, lint she-man-he-man's hands and feet were replaced by suction cups in an experiment gone wrong (or right depending on how you view the evil gerbil thinger) which in its entirety made this character oh so much more lovable.

This is evil gerbil man with his super creepy yet oh-so-fun-to-sing "It's a Gerbil's World" because copyright infringement would be such a shame.

To spare you from nightmares ridden with more drawings, I think it's best we stop there. You really only needed to see the Lint she-man-he-man.

So today I need to write a few letters to a few people, so bear with me now.

Dear Asshole People Across The Street,
       Did you guys realize it was raining outside today? Did you?! Obviously you didn't because you STILL made sure that those guys came with every loud landscaping instrument ever known to man. Did you not happen to see your dear neighbors across the street had bunnies on their front porch? You had to, because we live DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE! You obviously had to know that these bunnies are very easily frightened by landscaping machines because you were outside gardening when they freaked out and escaped. Not that you bothered to help me catch them because YOU'RE OBLIVIOUS TO EVERYTHING AROUND YOU. This may come as a surprise to you, but it's not good for machines to be running when it's POURING RAIN. It's shocking, I know. THE WORLD KNOWS. I do not know what kind of ignorant town you moved from, but here on our quaint little street, we don't hire people to clean our lawns and trim our bushes and make trellis walls of poison ivy surround our houses. We are a friendly people. We all keep our doors open during the day, but you make a habit to keep yours closed. You've made it quite clear that you are incapable of being just a smidgen neighborly. Maybe it's because you live next to the Guy Who Hits Other People's Cars. But in our neighborhood, WE AREN'T SO LAZY THAT WE HAVE TO PAY OTHER PEOPLE TO MOW OUR FREAKING LAWNS! We are actually nice to each other. HELL my father, the immigrant who hates anything that breathes, is nice to people. Even during the holidays.

Which brings me to my next topic. YOU'RE RUINING OUR HOLIDAY SPIRIT. Assholes From Across The Street, when the season of joy and family love comes around, do you decorate your house like everyone else? When Halloween comes around, do you give out candy? On Easter, do you put a festive decoration on your door and plant flowers like everyone else? YOU'RE A FUCKING JOY NAZI! It doesn't matter whether you believe in holidays or not. You could be Satan himself for God's sake! It's just something people do, to be friendly! People, we haven't seen you go in or out of your house since you moved in THREE YEARS AGO. And despite the rumors that someone had broken into your house and bloodily murdered you all, you HAVE to be alive because when that rare day that your door IS open we can see the flickering TV and murmured giggles. You obviously need to realize that your blatant ignorance to common niceties it making the entire street hate you.

Dear Guy Who Likes To Hit Other People's Cars,
       Where do I start with you? It is not okay that you think that you own the piece of street directly in front of your house. Because it's THE STREET, it's not YOUR street. It belongs to everyone who lives on the street. And before you, the people that lived there would purposefully park in the DRIVEWAY so that there would be an extra spot to park in, especially during the winter. BECAUSE THEY WERE AWESOME. YOU on the other hand act like defending "your" spot is a legitimate reason to car assassination.  And you know that no one is going to report you. Because you've got a little card up your sleeve that's a big "FUCK YOU" to mankind since 1832. It's a little something I like to call, "they're just saying that because they're racist." OH REALLY?!?! Dude, do NOT push us. This street is filled with everything from black to white to asian to indian to pakistani to hispanic. This street is the freaking Melting Pot of UD. It doesn't get more ethnic then this. I will admit, yes there are about two people on our street that are rather racist, but they don't live near you and they have the decency to use their DRIVEWAY.

You think you're being sneaky and clever. You think that if you just "accidentally" bump into someone's car, they'll come out and move it. WELL NOT ANYMORE. See, we're devising a scheme to expose you and your OCD ways. That spot is NOT yours. Because we're getting a friend of ours to park in front of your house. Except this car isn't any ordinary car, this is an undercover cop car. DAMN STRAIGHT BITCH, YOU JUST GOT EXPOSED! And then they will haul your ass off to jail where your wife and three little children will go off at you about how what you were doing was stupid and how you were going to get caught. STOP BEING A SPOT NAZI.

Dear Victoria's Secret,
       I am a bit confused by your latest commercial for the "Showstopper" bra. This is no special bra. This is a T-shirt bra with a fancy name and ridiculous price tag. That is not my problem. My problem is the way that you're advertising it. You are saying that this is the "sexiest bra yet" and that "a woman is at her sexiest when she's flaunting her own natural curves." WHAT?!?! For the past ten years now you've been advertising that less IS NOT AT ALL more. You've been saying, "You're an A cup, forget that, with this bra you'll be a D cup! And then guys will actually want to have sex with you!" You're obviously having some identity issues right now. Because, if you weren't, you would discontinue every single push up bra that you have and start making regular bras. This is obviously not going to happen and this bra will float away in the never ending sea of bad ideas of anything that represents "natural." You obviously deserve an award.

NO, I'm NOT being bitter, I'm being realistic.

But anyways, so that's about it. Here's a picture of the bunnies.


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Guess Who Probably Desperately Needs To Enroll In Girl School? YOU.

Just kidding, it's me. Now before you go on a rambling rant (was that the same words twice?) about why I don't, I'd like to present to you my reasoning.


Example 1:
So as I was jamming along to my favorite music, I realized that I may have to reconsider the music that I listen to. How I came to this conclusion was by realizing that singing along to the lyrics, "Dude, is it true that you screwed my mom? Fuck yea bro that pussy was BOMB!" is probably not the best thing for a sixteen year old girl to be shouting in musical harmony. There have been many more instances of this, such as:

"I never claimed that I knew how to dance, but I'll get drunk, get high and pull down my pants" <-- that one's SUPER FREAKIN CATCHY!

"...the ass on my mind is so damn edible. Feast your eyes girl, I'm so delectable. Dick like Hulk, yeah they call me incredible."

"Girl get down you can have more. And you can shake your hips around on my man-sword. You're gonna have to rock this house, I'm your landlord. So let your sweat drip down on the dance floor."

And the entire song of "Everywhere I Go."

Now if you haven't caught on by now of what band makes this misogynisticly catchy music, it's none other than Hollywood Undead. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely ADORE this band. True, they're either singing about getting drunk and fucking prostitutes (or girls that LOOK like prostitutes) or they're singing about deep, meaningful things like how nothing in life is a street paved in gold. So they're basically 50% players and 50% realists and 100% GETTIN PAID!

Example 2:


As I was browsing a magazine, I noticed (and this is in EVERY magazine I've ever read) a section devoted to getting/keeping guys. Now I don't mean in a slave way, I mean in a relationship way. These topics seemed to range from "Best Kissing Tips" to "Flirting Done Right". First of all, really? REALLY??!! I could understand "50 Fun and Affordable Date Ideas" but telling me how to morph myself into a classic teenage girl that listens to angsty Girl "Rock*" and checks Facebook and Twitter constantly (and I mean EVERY fucking second) and other typical teenage girl type things like twirling my hair and laughing even when something is so horridly dumb that a 5 year old would be disappointed in me is just NOT okay.

*this is a sidenote saying that I know for a fact what the girly girls at my school think is rock is **Teegan and Sarah whilst the normal girl realizes that until you've at least hit Rise Against, you're not rock.

**this is a side note for my side note saying that I very rarely approve of females singers in ANY kind of band, but particularly in the alternative/punk/rock/metal stage. this is only because I have found said type of singers only capable to sing about heartbreak, how boys are stupid, how they don't need boys, how a boy is a friend but they love them, and anything else to shell all dignity away from said categories. THAT BEING SAID, it's not to say that I won't give female singers a chance in my book and that's not to say that they cannot sing. although a lot of them really can't. Also, this does not mean that I will not listen to said music, I just refuse to acknowledge it as part of a genre. I'm not saying that females can't be great singers of great rock bands, but I just haven't found many. Amy Lee was pretty good, but a little too high, Lzzy Hale is decent, Carah Charnow is adequate, but needs to tone down the autotune, Liz Enthusiasm had a few great hits, but her genre's just really not my thing, but she was talented. Hayley Williams has such an amazing vocal range that I'd kill my mother for it, but again, sings only of the above topics. Shirley Manson, again an amazing voice, but she sung "girl music" Lacey Mosley had such great vocals and actually sung about worthwhile stuff, sometimes, other times it just wasn't my thing.

And I know I'm gonna get a lot of shit for this next one: I really don't like Joan Jett. I never really have and I never really will. I just do not dig her music. I get she was inspirational and all, but just not for me.

*I forgot to mention one of my absolute favorite female singers that has given me hope in all other female singers, the one and only Amy Heidemann.( I think that's how you spell it...)

Example 3:

I really have a bad time appreciating women's rights. This is proved by example #2 mostly because I DO honestly think that female singers will ALWAYS and I mean always fall short in comparison to a great male lead. This being said: I absolutely cannot stand when male singers sound like female singers. Especially when said shemale singers write about feminine things. They should have their own category. DON'T FUCK UP THE SYSTEM.

Back to women's rights. I just spent twenty minutes writing something that would get my ass kicked every day for the rest of my life. So I deleted it. Because I'm bad at explaining this without seeming like I hate women. It's something I'd have to have a conversation about with you. And maybe still not even then.

Example 4 (even though example 3 was a fail):

I suck at emotions. And relationships. I'm not going to make this too detailed, because you can read about this in countless other posts, but honestly I feel like I unintentionally make my boyfriends turn into girls. This is only because I think I take the dominant male role away from them and there's nothing else for them to do. Or at least that's what's happened so far. I'll keep you updated though.

There are lots of other examples, but the letters on the screen keep getting smaller which is a key sign that I've been on the computer too long and I'm about to get a ridiculously painful migraine.

Long story short, I'm bad at being a girl. But I think I'm even worse when I'm TRYING to be a girl. If you can't imagine that, imagine nail polish trying to be a delicious beverage. That's me being a girl. I KNOW.

However, I am phenomenal at some girl things like: baking, caring for things I care about deeply and protecting them like a BOSS, telling my guy friends when something they're doing is really careless and stupid, painting my nails, wearing makeup, smelling like DELICIOUS, liking poetry, umm caring about animal OOO I KNOW: seeing the world in shades instead of colors. That's not a blue shirt, that's a cobalt shirt, and that salmon tie does NOT match.

I realize all those things can be done by guys as well and are not strictly just for girls, but that's all I got.

I love GORE so much I'd marry it, I HATE romantic comedies, I've never seen Titanic nor The Notebook and I don't intend to, I my instinct reaction to guys crying is that they're babies and probably whine a lot (this depends on the occasion), I love Video Games with a PASSION, I love comics, I love explosions and fire, I love machinima, I don't mind getting dirty, high heels WILL be the death of me, I don't understand lipgloss, I LOVE LOVE LOVE food all the time anytime, and I couldn't live without a daily dosage of heavy metal. I'd rather be angry than sad. I'm bad at opening up about things and GREAT about pretending they don't exist. I'd totally accept a dare to out head bang you and I'd probably win. I'm really good at using your weaknesses to my advantage. I will curse around you. I'll end up hitting you several times for good measure. I can sit down and watch all the good Star Wars AND Lord Of The Rings with you and be willing to watch them over again. I WILL fight over who's going to pay and I WILL make a scene almost anywhere we go (unintentionally of course). If we pass a Time Crisis machine wherever we go, I will stop and pick up one or both of the guns are start going "pew pew!" shooting at almost anyone that passes by us.

I laugh at myself every time I do something remotely embarassing. I AM capable of coming to guy's night with you, bringing food and watching you and your friends play video games for hours on end without being bored. If I really and I mean REALLY care about you, I'll probably never ever tell you directly. I'm really awkward. I trip over nothing. I hear noises that aren't really there constantly and I will be tricked if you told me you didn't hear anything even if you did. I'll most likely make you give me a piggy back ride when I'm too lazy to walk and gladly accept the challenge to give you one.

I'm crazy opinionated and you just TRY to tell me I can't. TRY. I'm really crazy once you get to know me and I'm usually pretty crazy if you don't. Sometimes I'm really shy for the first few weeks of school but get me talking about something I know (metal, gaming, coordination, etc) and we'll be instant best friends. I really do text at the speed of a dying tortoise, so don't think that I'm waiting 3 minutes before texting you back, because if that happened it wouldn't be 3 minutes, it'd be 10 and it means I probably didn't get your text. I'm secretly publicly a goody two shoes. I say secretly publicly because it depends on the situation. Are we breaking into your diseased neighbors back yard to receive the shoe that I accidentally kicked over the fence even though she has a motion censor light? WE'RE GONNA GET THAT FUCKING THING! Are you keeping a textbook you found randomly in the last classroom you had? We're taking that thing back to where you found it.

Were you comparing what kind of gum you should get and forget to put one back before you left? We're walking back, explaining what happened and apologizing a million times. (that ACTUALLY happened to me.) Except when that happened my friend told me that it didn't really matter. WELL IT MATTERED TO ME. The only problem was that in my explanation of what happened, the owner got confused into thinking that I wanted to buy more gum and a T shirt. It was pretty much my Dollar Store slinky story except this time I was returning accidentally stolen gum.

When I was in sixth grade we had to make this commercial that made buying bibles appealing. Not to let my insane ideas go to waste, I proceeded to make up a character named Marshie, who was a popular person that loved marshmallows. "Marshie like bibles!' That's what I said. No joke. I even made a bookmark that had a picture of a marshmallow on the top which I proceeded to take a chunk out of despite the fact that it was made of paper. GUESS WHO SOLD THE MOST BIBLES??! US.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

How I Managed To Take All Nutritional Value From Green Tea

Hey! Sooo I've been gone forever, I know. But it's okay because I've got super awesome fantastical stories to make up for it. WHOOO!! That was my excited noise/face/gesture/thingy. Yes.

Anyways, so about this title. I recently decided that I needed to stop being a lazy bum because summer is beginning to come to an end and you can't be a Distinguished Honors student if you're a lazy bum. At least I haven't figured out a way to yet, but rest assured you guys'll be the first to know, cause you're all awesome.

So despite the fact that that last paragraph had absolutely nothing to do with the title, this is what happened. After deciding to stop being a bum, I decided that I wanted to try gradually incorporating healthy-ish things into my diet. And I say healthy-ish because I will never ever stop eating carbs as my main source of energy. Mostly because I could live forever off of bread and pasta. I don't even want to convert to whole grains, because seriously, who eats that crap? COMMUNISTS THAT'S WHO!

So I'd heard super awesome things about tea. Not plain ol' tea that anyone can drink. No, I'm talking about the tea of Champions. WHITE TEA. Not that I have anything again black tea, because I grew up with black tea and black tea is my main skillet homeboy. Anyways, but, since being a teenager (even though I've been blessed with non-problematic skin) means that I don't always look all smiles and sunshine. White tea was going to make that all change.

White tea brags of health properties galore: antioxidants, increased metabolism, detoxing your system and all that good junk. However, the websites fail to mention just how hard it is to find white tea. They tell you that it's best to get tea leaves and if you can afford it, get Silver Needle because that's like the heroin of teas. Yes, I AM going to become addicted to heroin tea AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME BITCH! Whoa, sorry, got a little intense there. I don't think you're a bitch. At least not all the time...

Anyways, so I went out on a walk (I KNOW, it's hard to believe I actually left my house) to my local Acme. Before I go any further I would just like to state that, considering where my house is placed on the grid of UD, you should all be proud that I'm not obese. I'm totally serious. My house is within walking distance of billions of fast food stops and restaurants and grease holes. So serious. To name a few (and by "a few" I mean every single one) there's: Uncle Nick's, Verona's, Dunkin Donuts (well not anymore, but I'm trying to get my point across), McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Rita's, Perkin's, Dairy Queen, Starbucks, another DD, Casey's, another McDonald's, 5 Wawa's, and like 6 Chinese takeout restaurants.

So I walked to Acme and went to the tea isle, totally ready with cash and all. I was looking for White or even Green tea. What I found was a smorgasbord (WIN) of assorted tea bags and mixes. This was not at all how I'd planned this to happen. Nevertheless I began to search for the best Green tea there was, asking almost anyone who came down the isle what their favorite tea was. Now nobody goes down the tea/baking isle in Acme anymore. I finally found one and checked out and walked back home. Upon arrival, I was feeling so successful that I decided to try the tea immediately. The tea that I got was called Tazo. It was a Lemongrass/Mint combo that smelled a lot like old people. This was obviously a great sign.

I boiled water and let it sit according to the directions. The only problem was I have this thing where if things don't smell/look appealing, I can't really stomach them. And this tea was a smidge nauseating. So I held my breath and swallowed. It was surprisingly bland. Which is a good and a bad thing. It was good because that meant I could stomach it knowing that it wouldn't taste how it smelled. It was bad because whenever something is bland, I tend to severely over add flavoring until any and all health values the food once offered are obliterated by something totally unhealthy. Hence my dilemma.

There were directions on how to turn the tea into iced tea by just adding another tea bag and, obviously, ice. This is where things got diabetic. I proceeded to put about twenty, yes TWENTY, tablespoons (not the measuring spoons, but the big spoons you use when you're out of little, regular spoons) [big spoons are obviously the spoons of Champions] into the tea and then poured it all into the glass of ice.

The tea now tasted awesome, but I could tell it wasn't healthy at all. And that's how I made Green tea into Diabetic tea. The end.

Just kidding, a lot more interesting things have happened this week. Yes, just this week, the past three, count 'em, 3 days.

Oliver and Olivia are the greatest bunnies you could ever ever ask for and are super sweet and loving and playful and just amazing. But they're still young-ins and LOVE to get into trouble. And just to clarify how much LOVE means here, I mean like Krispy Kreme hot out of the oven Super Glazed donuts with a free hat love. BOOM.

Anyways, so yesterday would mark the fifth time I was tricked into convincing that one of my dearly beloved bunnies was dying.

Yesterday was an awesome day. I got exercise, green tea and bunny toys from the crappiest Dollar Store in the history of life (but wait, that story comes after this one.) I got home from my super great walk around 6ish and the bunnies got an early breakfast, so they were going to get an early dinner as well, plus a snack, because they totally deserved it. So after putting their new toys into the pen, I brought their food out.

As soon as they heard the crackling of the food bag and the little clinks of the food into their ceramic bowl, they were hopping up from their  relaxing spots and binky-ing like their lives depended on it. It was too adorable. So I pushed back the pen cover and put down their bowl. I made sure that Liv wasn't stealing Ollie's carrot piece and that Ollie was getting enough to eat (she's definitely the dominant of the two, but that's totally gonna change when Ollie hits his teenage months and becomes a Man Bunny) and left them to enjoy their remaining hours outside playing. Around 8:30ish, it was getting dark and so I went out, grabbed Liv and put her back in the cage. I had to recover the pen, though, because Neighborhood Cat #2 (the second and more playful of the creamsicle kittens that our across the street neighbors got around the time we got our bunnies) was on the prowl.

So I pushed the cover all the way back and began my wild goose chase after Ollie. He's seemed to figure out when it's time to stop playing and go back inside and doesn't go back without a fight. So in my process of crawling to the back corner to grab him, I noticed that there was something wrong with the water bowl. It was dark at the bottom. Immediately I knew that one of them was sick and had probably thrown up, so I went back in my head to see if I'd fed them something different, but I hadn't, so I was becoming alarmed. I held Ollie for a few extra minutes, but he seemed his usual loving self, so after I put him back, I got a flashlight and Nancy Drew'd it to the front porch.

There was definitely something at the bottom of the water bowl. There wasn't blood, so that ruled out a lot. It didn't smell like puke or diarrhea, so there was another plus. Then I Spy'd a completely empty food bowl and pellets galore on the floor surrounding the water bowl. It was all starting to make sense. I conducted a quick experiment, just to make sure that I hadn't missed anything and then came to conclusive results. Somehow, god only knows how, one or both of them picked up their weighted down food bowl and dumped its contents into the water bowl. It was SO not okay.

So my frantic-ness may have been an over reaction, but hey, what would you have done?

Now to my adventures at my local Dollar Store. I recently found an old, brightly colored plastic slinky. I'd read somewhere that rabbits LOVED to play with them (and it's true). However, in my excitement to get the slinky out from the pile of crap, I broke it in the process. Yes, really. I still gave it to the kids and they loved them, but I was determined to get them a new one. So I walk into the Dollar Store with high hopes. Every Dollar Store has basic plastic toys, jingly balls, and slinkies. Apparently not MY Dollar Store. This Crap for Store barely sold birthday supplies. So I go up to check-out, with the few toys I could find and a lint roller because lint rollers are BOSS. The following conversation ensued with the cashier:

"Hello! Welcome to you Dollar Store! Would you to like some bubles?"
"Excuse me?"
"Our featured item is bubles, would you like to buy?"
"Buy what??"
"Bubles! A three pack, see?"

She was trying to say "bubbles" and obviously did not speak English.

"Oh, no thank you. But I was wondering if you guys sold slinkies?"
"Sell what?"
"Slinkies, you know, you put them at the top of the stairs and they walk down them"

(I'm trying to illustrate with my hands this entire time, mind you)

"I think you have wrong store."
"No! Slinkies! (turning to the person behind me) You know what I'm talking about, right?!"

They didn't answer and just walked to the other cash register.

"So, you guys don't sell slinkies?"
"...Would you like bubles instead?"

I DIDN'T WANT THE GODDAMNED BUBBLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I bought them anyway because I felt bad for giving her such a hard time.