Saturday, August 13, 2011

Lint She-Man-He-Man

I'm official college ready. For the past three weeks I've been thriving off of nothing but Ramen noodles and stove top s'mores. THREE WEEKS. College here I come!

I even took the time to draw you a S'more! He's GORGEOUS!

So, I know what you're thinking, "Why does my s'more have chicken pox AIDS?" It doesn't. I don't know about you guys, but our graham crackers come with perforations and these weird holes all over the place. I don't know what the hell the makers of those things were thinking, but they were obviously high when this all went down.

"DUUUUDDEE!!! You know what would make these even better?! WEED!"
"I don't know man, we'd probably get caught..."
"DUUUUUUUDDDDEE let's put holes in 'em!!!"

And that's why graham crackers are eaten and not adored.

So my mother is convinced that she can't recall ANYTHING from Courage the Cowardly Dog, which was my childhood dream show. Anytime that was on, I was watching.

Tonight we had eggplant. It reminded me of the evil French eggplants from that episode of Courage. I think that show is the reason I grew up hating French people. For some reason, this then reminded me of my absolute favorite episode of Courage that I plan to illustrate for you. If you thought the show was creepy, I recommend skipping this pictures which will be the show on an acid trip.

 This is the she-man-he-man lint person that no one could ever figure out what gender it was. This was my favorite character of all time.

Somehow, in the duration of the 30 minute episode, lint she-man-he-man's hands and feet were replaced by suction cups in an experiment gone wrong (or right depending on how you view the evil gerbil thinger) which in its entirety made this character oh so much more lovable.

This is evil gerbil man with his super creepy yet oh-so-fun-to-sing "It's a Gerbil's World" because copyright infringement would be such a shame.

To spare you from nightmares ridden with more drawings, I think it's best we stop there. You really only needed to see the Lint she-man-he-man.

So today I need to write a few letters to a few people, so bear with me now.

Dear Asshole People Across The Street,
       Did you guys realize it was raining outside today? Did you?! Obviously you didn't because you STILL made sure that those guys came with every loud landscaping instrument ever known to man. Did you not happen to see your dear neighbors across the street had bunnies on their front porch? You had to, because we live DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE! You obviously had to know that these bunnies are very easily frightened by landscaping machines because you were outside gardening when they freaked out and escaped. Not that you bothered to help me catch them because YOU'RE OBLIVIOUS TO EVERYTHING AROUND YOU. This may come as a surprise to you, but it's not good for machines to be running when it's POURING RAIN. It's shocking, I know. THE WORLD KNOWS. I do not know what kind of ignorant town you moved from, but here on our quaint little street, we don't hire people to clean our lawns and trim our bushes and make trellis walls of poison ivy surround our houses. We are a friendly people. We all keep our doors open during the day, but you make a habit to keep yours closed. You've made it quite clear that you are incapable of being just a smidgen neighborly. Maybe it's because you live next to the Guy Who Hits Other People's Cars. But in our neighborhood, WE AREN'T SO LAZY THAT WE HAVE TO PAY OTHER PEOPLE TO MOW OUR FREAKING LAWNS! We are actually nice to each other. HELL my father, the immigrant who hates anything that breathes, is nice to people. Even during the holidays.

Which brings me to my next topic. YOU'RE RUINING OUR HOLIDAY SPIRIT. Assholes From Across The Street, when the season of joy and family love comes around, do you decorate your house like everyone else? When Halloween comes around, do you give out candy? On Easter, do you put a festive decoration on your door and plant flowers like everyone else? YOU'RE A FUCKING JOY NAZI! It doesn't matter whether you believe in holidays or not. You could be Satan himself for God's sake! It's just something people do, to be friendly! People, we haven't seen you go in or out of your house since you moved in THREE YEARS AGO. And despite the rumors that someone had broken into your house and bloodily murdered you all, you HAVE to be alive because when that rare day that your door IS open we can see the flickering TV and murmured giggles. You obviously need to realize that your blatant ignorance to common niceties it making the entire street hate you.

Dear Guy Who Likes To Hit Other People's Cars,
       Where do I start with you? It is not okay that you think that you own the piece of street directly in front of your house. Because it's THE STREET, it's not YOUR street. It belongs to everyone who lives on the street. And before you, the people that lived there would purposefully park in the DRIVEWAY so that there would be an extra spot to park in, especially during the winter. BECAUSE THEY WERE AWESOME. YOU on the other hand act like defending "your" spot is a legitimate reason to car assassination.  And you know that no one is going to report you. Because you've got a little card up your sleeve that's a big "FUCK YOU" to mankind since 1832. It's a little something I like to call, "they're just saying that because they're racist." OH REALLY?!?! Dude, do NOT push us. This street is filled with everything from black to white to asian to indian to pakistani to hispanic. This street is the freaking Melting Pot of UD. It doesn't get more ethnic then this. I will admit, yes there are about two people on our street that are rather racist, but they don't live near you and they have the decency to use their DRIVEWAY.

You think you're being sneaky and clever. You think that if you just "accidentally" bump into someone's car, they'll come out and move it. WELL NOT ANYMORE. See, we're devising a scheme to expose you and your OCD ways. That spot is NOT yours. Because we're getting a friend of ours to park in front of your house. Except this car isn't any ordinary car, this is an undercover cop car. DAMN STRAIGHT BITCH, YOU JUST GOT EXPOSED! And then they will haul your ass off to jail where your wife and three little children will go off at you about how what you were doing was stupid and how you were going to get caught. STOP BEING A SPOT NAZI.

Dear Victoria's Secret,
       I am a bit confused by your latest commercial for the "Showstopper" bra. This is no special bra. This is a T-shirt bra with a fancy name and ridiculous price tag. That is not my problem. My problem is the way that you're advertising it. You are saying that this is the "sexiest bra yet" and that "a woman is at her sexiest when she's flaunting her own natural curves." WHAT?!?! For the past ten years now you've been advertising that less IS NOT AT ALL more. You've been saying, "You're an A cup, forget that, with this bra you'll be a D cup! And then guys will actually want to have sex with you!" You're obviously having some identity issues right now. Because, if you weren't, you would discontinue every single push up bra that you have and start making regular bras. This is obviously not going to happen and this bra will float away in the never ending sea of bad ideas of anything that represents "natural." You obviously deserve an award.

NO, I'm NOT being bitter, I'm being realistic.

But anyways, so that's about it. Here's a picture of the bunnies.


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