Saturday, August 20, 2011

Sister Fail

YES I'M TALKING ABOUT NUNS. Really, I am. But I'm also talking about me too. As you've read in my other posts, I have an older brother. He is too awesome for words. But unfortunately, the other day I realized that I have never once prepared him for interactions with other girls. I know, you must be wondering, "How is that possible? You've only lived together your ENTIRE FREAKIN LIVES!!" This is true. However, I seemed to have failed at teaching him certain things.


Thing 1:

According to my mother and some of my other friends, apparently girls to not find it entertaining to sit and watch their brothers/boyfriends/husbands/etc play video games for hours and hours on end. This is absolutely astonishing to me. I will never understand this, because watching my brother play video games is one of our many secret bonding activities that we've been doing since I was born and he could use a controller.

Apparently "real", normal girls want their boyfriend/etc to take them places and to talk about things like feelings. FEELINGS. That just sounds disgusting to me. Also dumb. That's very stupid. Regular girls like to go places where their dearly beloved will sit there and listen to them talk hours on end about something Patricia did that was sooooooo 2005 and how they aren't talking anymore. This goes on for hours, like I mentioned beforehand, only to mention in the end about how it was all a misunderstanding because Patricia just got dumped by her boyfriend of forever and she was upset and taking everything out on Stacy but it's okay because they cried and hugged and made up and now they will talk about the shopping spree that occurred afterwards.

Thing 2:

Apparently another thing I have not prepared him for is a flood of unwarranted emotions at any given time. I'm not a very emotional person unless I become heavily invested in something like awesome TV shows like Bones, CSI, Supernatural, Dexter, etc. But apparently normal girls just break into sobs at any given time. For example:

Why is her spine curved? SCOLIOSIS. DEAL WITH IT. So example shows that girls will break out into big tears when confronted with this thing called Nature. But not just regular Nature, SUPER NATURE. Things that have been deemed just "too precious" to not spill water out of eye ducts.

This is only one example. But I''ll get to the others in my Thing examples soon. Girls also break out into sobs when: they make up with a friend, they are fighting with a friend, the flower they tried to grow dies, their nail breaks, their hair is frizzy, they weigh 90 lbs and need to gain weight but "shut up! I'm fat!", they see their friends in love, they are in love, there is a happy ending, and this list goes on forever, but you catch my drift.

Thing 3:

Movies. For a very long time now I have been thrilled and I mean absolutely freaking THRILLED to see any kind of violence, action, explosion, death with blood, guts and other totally necessary gore, and more explosions. This is not to say that I endorse all action movies that have NO PLOT LINE whatsoever. I'm talking to you Ninja Assassin. But I just can't stomach any romantic comedy. Well that's not true. ALMOST any romantic comedy. Just Friends was just too funny. If they took all the romantic out of that movie and made it straight up comedy it'd be movie gold. But not the point. The point is that I will most likely never ever understand the attraction to chick flicks. And by god are they called chick flicks for a reason.

To the guy who made The Notebook, I'm absolutely positive that you've given up the rights to your Y chromosome, so give it to someone that's actually going to use it. I grew up convinced that the author/producer of The Notebook was a girl, because only a girl could write such fantasized "perfection" of such an mundane and absolutely ridiculous concept of whatever in god's name that movie was actually about. However, apparently the author's name is NicoLAS, not Nicola Sparks. A GUY. I hope all men despise this paper thin, waste of manhood. I understand that this man knew where to publish and what to publish to rake in the cash, codeword: teenage girls. However what I don't understand is how he just took that plunge and threw away any sense of being a guy whatsoever for the cash. That just CAN'T be worth it.

This is another example of girls that cry over senseless things. When "The Rev" died, now THAT was worth tears. But the ending of "Dear John"? That was just ridiculous. Horse Sense? How is ANYONE supposed to take that camp name seriously??! Have I ever told you guys how I got dragged into that movie and then got caught trying desperately to sneak into Lego Star Wars instead? Probably not, that's a good story though.  Anyways, like I said, stupid.

Apparently girls do NOT like gore and blood and guts and Star Wars and Lord Of The Rings Trilogy Sessions. Girls like flowers, love and stupid plot lines.

Thing 4:

Music. I do not know how many times I've touched upon this topic, but I can guarantee you're sick of reading about it, so you can just skip this last one. Two words. TAYLOR SWIFT. There are several reasons why I just can't stand her, but I won't go into those today. However what I WILL go into is how her songs are the most stupid things that I've ever heard of. That's saying a lot. But I mean, come on, when you've got pre and teenage girls AND boys running around saying "MY LIFE IS A TAYLOR SWIFT SONG" you know things have gone too far.

Now instead of trying to make my point, I found a video to illustrate it with a much better vocabulary.

Okay, now that aside, that's not my biggest problem. My biggest problem is the reaction I get when I say that I'm into metal music. And this is the response from guys that I get, "What?!?! You can't like metal! You're a GIRL!!!!"


I can no longer just throw it out there that my favorite band is Avenged Sevenfold. Now they need proof. It's not that I don't have proof, because I have more than proof. But it's the fact that it's so entirely unbelievable that girls can like anything but Taylor Swift, Lady GaGa and Justin Beiber. I would name you a list of every metal band I liked and then some, but that list would go on forever. Guess who also loves classic rock?? ME.

Example 5: 

Being Petty . Have you ever noticed there's some standard that girls are "catty?" Never understood it. So she slept with your boyfriend, so what? I'm not saying it's forgivable because it's not, but why are you only mad at him?!?! It takes two, remember?! No, not that new one, the catchy one from back in the day. Or Sally stole your favorite nail polish and claims that it's hers now and won't give it back. Seriously? Go buy a new one. But don't sit in your room and cry about how your life is over and how Sally's such a bitch.

Another favorite? Jollie told Jim who told May who told Jake who told Karen that Bobby wants to make out with you! Who. Gives. A. FUCK?!?! Honestly, if it had to go through that many people, the guy's probably NOT interested. But you're so scared because what if he doesn't like your hair or dress?? Obviously if Bobby says you're ugly, the Apocalypse is going to happen. Christ, get it together! Who gives a fuck what Bobby thinks!?! Be independent for once in your life!

And I'm probably being petty. Right now. As I type. But my point is that your "dilemma" is really just a speck of nothingness of a whopping plate of world poverty. Johnny asked Rebecca to the dance even though he promised Karen who told Kate who told Uriah who told you that you'd  be his date! So now you're sitting in your room with a box of Kleenex, a bag of Reese's cups, a pint of Ben and Jerry's and the Titanic on loop, meanwhile some child in Africa just died of AIDS. Really, no, I'm honestly interested in how much worse your life is right now, continue.

So to sum this all up, I've officially prepared my brother for a girl who: Loves metal, gore, video games, Star Wars, Lord of The Rings, comics, machinima and baking. And who Hates: pop music, country, dolls, mermaids, butterflies, romantic things, romantic comedies, and emotions.

Something is telling me this girl doesn't exist in any state near us.

No comments:

Post a Comment