Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Guess Who Probably Desperately Needs To Enroll In Girl School? YOU.

Just kidding, it's me. Now before you go on a rambling rant (was that the same words twice?) about why I don't, I'd like to present to you my reasoning.


Example 1:
So as I was jamming along to my favorite music, I realized that I may have to reconsider the music that I listen to. How I came to this conclusion was by realizing that singing along to the lyrics, "Dude, is it true that you screwed my mom? Fuck yea bro that pussy was BOMB!" is probably not the best thing for a sixteen year old girl to be shouting in musical harmony. There have been many more instances of this, such as:

"I never claimed that I knew how to dance, but I'll get drunk, get high and pull down my pants" <-- that one's SUPER FREAKIN CATCHY!

"...the ass on my mind is so damn edible. Feast your eyes girl, I'm so delectable. Dick like Hulk, yeah they call me incredible."

"Girl get down you can have more. And you can shake your hips around on my man-sword. You're gonna have to rock this house, I'm your landlord. So let your sweat drip down on the dance floor."

And the entire song of "Everywhere I Go."

Now if you haven't caught on by now of what band makes this misogynisticly catchy music, it's none other than Hollywood Undead. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely ADORE this band. True, they're either singing about getting drunk and fucking prostitutes (or girls that LOOK like prostitutes) or they're singing about deep, meaningful things like how nothing in life is a street paved in gold. So they're basically 50% players and 50% realists and 100% GETTIN PAID!

Example 2:


As I was browsing a magazine, I noticed (and this is in EVERY magazine I've ever read) a section devoted to getting/keeping guys. Now I don't mean in a slave way, I mean in a relationship way. These topics seemed to range from "Best Kissing Tips" to "Flirting Done Right". First of all, really? REALLY??!! I could understand "50 Fun and Affordable Date Ideas" but telling me how to morph myself into a classic teenage girl that listens to angsty Girl "Rock*" and checks Facebook and Twitter constantly (and I mean EVERY fucking second) and other typical teenage girl type things like twirling my hair and laughing even when something is so horridly dumb that a 5 year old would be disappointed in me is just NOT okay.

*this is a sidenote saying that I know for a fact what the girly girls at my school think is rock is **Teegan and Sarah whilst the normal girl realizes that until you've at least hit Rise Against, you're not rock.

**this is a side note for my side note saying that I very rarely approve of females singers in ANY kind of band, but particularly in the alternative/punk/rock/metal stage. this is only because I have found said type of singers only capable to sing about heartbreak, how boys are stupid, how they don't need boys, how a boy is a friend but they love them, and anything else to shell all dignity away from said categories. THAT BEING SAID, it's not to say that I won't give female singers a chance in my book and that's not to say that they cannot sing. although a lot of them really can't. Also, this does not mean that I will not listen to said music, I just refuse to acknowledge it as part of a genre. I'm not saying that females can't be great singers of great rock bands, but I just haven't found many. Amy Lee was pretty good, but a little too high, Lzzy Hale is decent, Carah Charnow is adequate, but needs to tone down the autotune, Liz Enthusiasm had a few great hits, but her genre's just really not my thing, but she was talented. Hayley Williams has such an amazing vocal range that I'd kill my mother for it, but again, sings only of the above topics. Shirley Manson, again an amazing voice, but she sung "girl music" Lacey Mosley had such great vocals and actually sung about worthwhile stuff, sometimes, other times it just wasn't my thing.

And I know I'm gonna get a lot of shit for this next one: I really don't like Joan Jett. I never really have and I never really will. I just do not dig her music. I get she was inspirational and all, but just not for me.

*I forgot to mention one of my absolute favorite female singers that has given me hope in all other female singers, the one and only Amy Heidemann.( I think that's how you spell it...)

Example 3:

I really have a bad time appreciating women's rights. This is proved by example #2 mostly because I DO honestly think that female singers will ALWAYS and I mean always fall short in comparison to a great male lead. This being said: I absolutely cannot stand when male singers sound like female singers. Especially when said shemale singers write about feminine things. They should have their own category. DON'T FUCK UP THE SYSTEM.

Back to women's rights. I just spent twenty minutes writing something that would get my ass kicked every day for the rest of my life. So I deleted it. Because I'm bad at explaining this without seeming like I hate women. It's something I'd have to have a conversation about with you. And maybe still not even then.

Example 4 (even though example 3 was a fail):

I suck at emotions. And relationships. I'm not going to make this too detailed, because you can read about this in countless other posts, but honestly I feel like I unintentionally make my boyfriends turn into girls. This is only because I think I take the dominant male role away from them and there's nothing else for them to do. Or at least that's what's happened so far. I'll keep you updated though.

There are lots of other examples, but the letters on the screen keep getting smaller which is a key sign that I've been on the computer too long and I'm about to get a ridiculously painful migraine.

Long story short, I'm bad at being a girl. But I think I'm even worse when I'm TRYING to be a girl. If you can't imagine that, imagine nail polish trying to be a delicious beverage. That's me being a girl. I KNOW.

However, I am phenomenal at some girl things like: baking, caring for things I care about deeply and protecting them like a BOSS, telling my guy friends when something they're doing is really careless and stupid, painting my nails, wearing makeup, smelling like DELICIOUS, liking poetry, umm caring about animal rights...um OOO I KNOW: seeing the world in shades instead of colors. That's not a blue shirt, that's a cobalt shirt, and that salmon tie does NOT match.

I realize all those things can be done by guys as well and are not strictly just for girls, but that's all I got.

I love GORE so much I'd marry it, I HATE romantic comedies, I've never seen Titanic nor The Notebook and I don't intend to, I my instinct reaction to guys crying is that they're babies and probably whine a lot (this depends on the occasion), I love Video Games with a PASSION, I love comics, I love explosions and fire, I love machinima, I don't mind getting dirty, high heels WILL be the death of me, I don't understand lipgloss, I LOVE LOVE LOVE food all the time anytime, and I couldn't live without a daily dosage of heavy metal. I'd rather be angry than sad. I'm bad at opening up about things and GREAT about pretending they don't exist. I'd totally accept a dare to out head bang you and I'd probably win. I'm really good at using your weaknesses to my advantage. I will curse around you. I'll end up hitting you several times for good measure. I can sit down and watch all the good Star Wars AND Lord Of The Rings with you and be willing to watch them over again. I WILL fight over who's going to pay and I WILL make a scene almost anywhere we go (unintentionally of course). If we pass a Time Crisis machine wherever we go, I will stop and pick up one or both of the guns are start going "pew pew!" shooting at almost anyone that passes by us.

I laugh at myself every time I do something remotely embarassing. I AM capable of coming to guy's night with you, bringing food and watching you and your friends play video games for hours on end without being bored. If I really and I mean REALLY care about you, I'll probably never ever tell you directly. I'm really awkward. I trip over nothing. I hear noises that aren't really there constantly and I will be tricked if you told me you didn't hear anything even if you did. I'll most likely make you give me a piggy back ride when I'm too lazy to walk and gladly accept the challenge to give you one.

I'm crazy opinionated and you just TRY to tell me I can't. TRY. I'm really crazy once you get to know me and I'm usually pretty crazy if you don't. Sometimes I'm really shy for the first few weeks of school but get me talking about something I know (metal, gaming, coordination, etc) and we'll be instant best friends. I really do text at the speed of a dying tortoise, so don't think that I'm waiting 3 minutes before texting you back, because if that happened it wouldn't be 3 minutes, it'd be 10 and it means I probably didn't get your text. I'm secretly publicly a goody two shoes. I say secretly publicly because it depends on the situation. Are we breaking into your diseased neighbors back yard to receive the shoe that I accidentally kicked over the fence even though she has a motion censor light? WE'RE GONNA GET THAT FUCKING THING! Are you keeping a textbook you found randomly in the last classroom you had? We're taking that thing back to where you found it.

Were you comparing what kind of gum you should get and forget to put one back before you left? We're walking back, explaining what happened and apologizing a million times. (that ACTUALLY happened to me.) Except when that happened my friend told me that it didn't really matter. WELL IT MATTERED TO ME. The only problem was that in my explanation of what happened, the owner got confused into thinking that I wanted to buy more gum and a T shirt. It was pretty much my Dollar Store slinky story except this time I was returning accidentally stolen gum.

When I was in sixth grade we had to make this commercial that made buying bibles appealing. Not to let my insane ideas go to waste, I proceeded to make up a character named Marshie, who was a popular person that loved marshmallows. "Marshie like bibles!' That's what I said. No joke. I even made a bookmark that had a picture of a marshmallow on the top which I proceeded to take a chunk out of despite the fact that it was made of paper. GUESS WHO SOLD THE MOST BIBLES??! US.

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