Wednesday, August 3, 2011

How I Managed To Take All Nutritional Value From Green Tea

Hey! Sooo I've been gone forever, I know. But it's okay because I've got super awesome fantastical stories to make up for it. WHOOO!! That was my excited noise/face/gesture/thingy. Yes.

Anyways, so about this title. I recently decided that I needed to stop being a lazy bum because summer is beginning to come to an end and you can't be a Distinguished Honors student if you're a lazy bum. At least I haven't figured out a way to yet, but rest assured you guys'll be the first to know, cause you're all awesome.

So despite the fact that that last paragraph had absolutely nothing to do with the title, this is what happened. After deciding to stop being a bum, I decided that I wanted to try gradually incorporating healthy-ish things into my diet. And I say healthy-ish because I will never ever stop eating carbs as my main source of energy. Mostly because I could live forever off of bread and pasta. I don't even want to convert to whole grains, because seriously, who eats that crap? COMMUNISTS THAT'S WHO!

So I'd heard super awesome things about tea. Not plain ol' tea that anyone can drink. No, I'm talking about the tea of Champions. WHITE TEA. Not that I have anything again black tea, because I grew up with black tea and black tea is my main skillet homeboy. Anyways, but, since being a teenager (even though I've been blessed with non-problematic skin) means that I don't always look all smiles and sunshine. White tea was going to make that all change.

White tea brags of health properties galore: antioxidants, increased metabolism, detoxing your system and all that good junk. However, the websites fail to mention just how hard it is to find white tea. They tell you that it's best to get tea leaves and if you can afford it, get Silver Needle because that's like the heroin of teas. Yes, I AM going to become addicted to heroin tea AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME BITCH! Whoa, sorry, got a little intense there. I don't think you're a bitch. At least not all the time...

Anyways, so I went out on a walk (I KNOW, it's hard to believe I actually left my house) to my local Acme. Before I go any further I would just like to state that, considering where my house is placed on the grid of UD, you should all be proud that I'm not obese. I'm totally serious. My house is within walking distance of billions of fast food stops and restaurants and grease holes. So serious. To name a few (and by "a few" I mean every single one) there's: Uncle Nick's, Verona's, Dunkin Donuts (well not anymore, but I'm trying to get my point across), McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Rita's, Perkin's, Dairy Queen, Starbucks, another DD, Casey's, another McDonald's, 5 Wawa's, and like 6 Chinese takeout restaurants.

So I walked to Acme and went to the tea isle, totally ready with cash and all. I was looking for White or even Green tea. What I found was a smorgasbord (WIN) of assorted tea bags and mixes. This was not at all how I'd planned this to happen. Nevertheless I began to search for the best Green tea there was, asking almost anyone who came down the isle what their favorite tea was. Now nobody goes down the tea/baking isle in Acme anymore. I finally found one and checked out and walked back home. Upon arrival, I was feeling so successful that I decided to try the tea immediately. The tea that I got was called Tazo. It was a Lemongrass/Mint combo that smelled a lot like old people. This was obviously a great sign.

I boiled water and let it sit according to the directions. The only problem was I have this thing where if things don't smell/look appealing, I can't really stomach them. And this tea was a smidge nauseating. So I held my breath and swallowed. It was surprisingly bland. Which is a good and a bad thing. It was good because that meant I could stomach it knowing that it wouldn't taste how it smelled. It was bad because whenever something is bland, I tend to severely over add flavoring until any and all health values the food once offered are obliterated by something totally unhealthy. Hence my dilemma.

There were directions on how to turn the tea into iced tea by just adding another tea bag and, obviously, ice. This is where things got diabetic. I proceeded to put about twenty, yes TWENTY, tablespoons (not the measuring spoons, but the big spoons you use when you're out of little, regular spoons) [big spoons are obviously the spoons of Champions] into the tea and then poured it all into the glass of ice.

The tea now tasted awesome, but I could tell it wasn't healthy at all. And that's how I made Green tea into Diabetic tea. The end.

Just kidding, a lot more interesting things have happened this week. Yes, just this week, the past three, count 'em, 3 days.

Oliver and Olivia are the greatest bunnies you could ever ever ask for and are super sweet and loving and playful and just amazing. But they're still young-ins and LOVE to get into trouble. And just to clarify how much LOVE means here, I mean like Krispy Kreme hot out of the oven Super Glazed donuts with a free hat love. BOOM.

Anyways, so yesterday would mark the fifth time I was tricked into convincing that one of my dearly beloved bunnies was dying.

Yesterday was an awesome day. I got exercise, green tea and bunny toys from the crappiest Dollar Store in the history of life (but wait, that story comes after this one.) I got home from my super great walk around 6ish and the bunnies got an early breakfast, so they were going to get an early dinner as well, plus a snack, because they totally deserved it. So after putting their new toys into the pen, I brought their food out.

As soon as they heard the crackling of the food bag and the little clinks of the food into their ceramic bowl, they were hopping up from their  relaxing spots and binky-ing like their lives depended on it. It was too adorable. So I pushed back the pen cover and put down their bowl. I made sure that Liv wasn't stealing Ollie's carrot piece and that Ollie was getting enough to eat (she's definitely the dominant of the two, but that's totally gonna change when Ollie hits his teenage months and becomes a Man Bunny) and left them to enjoy their remaining hours outside playing. Around 8:30ish, it was getting dark and so I went out, grabbed Liv and put her back in the cage. I had to recover the pen, though, because Neighborhood Cat #2 (the second and more playful of the creamsicle kittens that our across the street neighbors got around the time we got our bunnies) was on the prowl.

So I pushed the cover all the way back and began my wild goose chase after Ollie. He's seemed to figure out when it's time to stop playing and go back inside and doesn't go back without a fight. So in my process of crawling to the back corner to grab him, I noticed that there was something wrong with the water bowl. It was dark at the bottom. Immediately I knew that one of them was sick and had probably thrown up, so I went back in my head to see if I'd fed them something different, but I hadn't, so I was becoming alarmed. I held Ollie for a few extra minutes, but he seemed his usual loving self, so after I put him back, I got a flashlight and Nancy Drew'd it to the front porch.

There was definitely something at the bottom of the water bowl. There wasn't blood, so that ruled out a lot. It didn't smell like puke or diarrhea, so there was another plus. Then I Spy'd a completely empty food bowl and pellets galore on the floor surrounding the water bowl. It was all starting to make sense. I conducted a quick experiment, just to make sure that I hadn't missed anything and then came to conclusive results. Somehow, god only knows how, one or both of them picked up their weighted down food bowl and dumped its contents into the water bowl. It was SO not okay.

So my frantic-ness may have been an over reaction, but hey, what would you have done?

Now to my adventures at my local Dollar Store. I recently found an old, brightly colored plastic slinky. I'd read somewhere that rabbits LOVED to play with them (and it's true). However, in my excitement to get the slinky out from the pile of crap, I broke it in the process. Yes, really. I still gave it to the kids and they loved them, but I was determined to get them a new one. So I walk into the Dollar Store with high hopes. Every Dollar Store has basic plastic toys, jingly balls, and slinkies. Apparently not MY Dollar Store. This Crap for Store barely sold birthday supplies. So I go up to check-out, with the few toys I could find and a lint roller because lint rollers are BOSS. The following conversation ensued with the cashier:

"Hello! Welcome to you Dollar Store! Would you to like some bubles?"
"Excuse me?"
"Our featured item is bubles, would you like to buy?"
"Buy what??"
"Bubles! A three pack, see?"

She was trying to say "bubbles" and obviously did not speak English.

"Oh, no thank you. But I was wondering if you guys sold slinkies?"
"Sell what?"
"Slinkies, you know, you put them at the top of the stairs and they walk down them"

(I'm trying to illustrate with my hands this entire time, mind you)

"I think you have wrong store."
"No! Slinkies! (turning to the person behind me) You know what I'm talking about, right?!"

They didn't answer and just walked to the other cash register.

"So, you guys don't sell slinkies?"
"...Would you like bubles instead?"

I DIDN'T WANT THE GODDAMNED BUBBLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I bought them anyway because I felt bad for giving her such a hard time.

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