Tuesday, May 29, 2012

All Day Err Day

So let's talk.

Remember a few posts ago when I was like all happy and life is yes? No? Feeling depressed? You should check it out. It was good times.

However, that's not the case. There are legitimately 6 full days of school left for me. A meager six days.

In realizing that I feel as if a trip to Mordor would just be easier and honestly more enjoyable.

Remember that whole migraine business I've been handed? Yeah, me too. And I'm not sure if I've said it here or not, but because of my rejection of all things emotional, I've dedicated one day every 8 weeks to be full out as depressed about it as I'd like.

Unfortunately, since my life's been all giggles and smiles recently, I tried pushing it off to three months. This was a poor idea.

Because it hit me. Last night. When I couldn't sleep for the life of me. And it hit me in what can only be described as the way Sarah Palin clubs baby seals. So awful.

So my almost tri-monthly breakdown began. My day yesterday was one of those days where it's like all these little things keep happening one after the other until you just break. Normally, it just makes me furious. Last night, it made me cry. Like with each swing of the club, my life problems just hit me one by one by one. Until I realized that since freshman year, I've never caught a break from this bad spell of occurrences.

The fact that this all began because of a head splitting migraine wasn't helping. But eventually I calmed down and forced myself to believe that my insomnia would fade and I would wake up the next morning without puffy eyes and frazzled hair and without a migraine and I would make it to school and continue my facade as a normal teenager.

Such was not the case. Instead my insomnia just got progressively worse with the pain and I was forced to realize that was never happening. What DID happen, however, was my progressive trip down memory lane via my camera and I saw something that I'd forgotten about. Something I never thought would happen.

I saw my videos from the Rockstar Energy Uproar Festival 2010. My first Avenged Sevenfold concert.

That band that pulled me through my awkward pubescent years. And admittedly the worst possible years of my life. And as I watched my small, jumpy and blurry at times, clip, I remembered everything. I remembered the feeling of... of life that I had at that concert. At the prime of my troubles. And the feeling of unity with the crowd, with the band, with the music. I could close my eyes and just picture the lighters and cell phones that illuminated the night sky as we paid tribute to one of the greatest drummers in the world. I could remember looking up out into the star lit sky, knowing that this moment made me feel like I had a purpose.

And it's stupid and unimaginative and naive to believe those things. But I don't care.

My part in that concert meant something. And it will always mean something.

Moments like that don't happen every day. They pass by in a flash because people are too busy worrying about what they need to accomplish, or who they need to impress or what they want from life. But taking on so much at once just overwhelms you.

So stop. Whatever you're doing can wait five more minutes. Close your eyes, take six deep breaths through your diaphragm, your shoulders should not move up and down. And listen to the noises around you. Smell the scent wherever you are. Evaluate your feelings from your toes to your head. Stretch a little. Shrug and relax your shoulders. Breathe out through your mouth.

Don't let it all run you down. Because you will outrun it one day. But you don't want that problems or those issues to be the only things you remember.

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