Saturday, June 4, 2011


Ah birthdays, the great joy of celebrating your birth and the days when you looked disgusting and alien like. I know I enjoy it. Especially the most awkward 20 seconds of your life otherwise known as "Happy Birthday". You know you're all hunched over a cake waiting to blow out candles while people celebrate the fact that you're slowly getting closer to the age when you become senile. It's not fun. 
The great part about birthdays? CAKE. What else? Screw presents, I mean they're nice and all but god it's freaking CAKE

Speaking of cake, I was eating apples yesterday and one slice tried to commit suicide. I was hurt. I was like "APPLE NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" as it plunged to the floor. But I still ate it cause you know, I wasn't just going to leave it there all unloved after it's unsuccessful death. 

Speaking of suicide I found a lost pen on the floor of my English room today. And considering I had just been falsely accused of stealing someone's pens two minutes earlier, I was determined to redeem myself. But then no one had lost a pen and no one wanted the pen because it had no cap and I was like "I'll love you pen!" and now everyone thinks I'm crazy. But when it turns out that pen was Jesus guess who's not going to Hell? Me.
Speaking of Hell today I punched someone's desk accidentally and apologized which seemed like a good thing to do at the time. I turned around and was like "Oh my god I'm so sorry I definitely just punched your desk." And they were looking at me all weird like "Dude you don't have to apologize. It's a desk." And I feel my apology hasn't been accepted so I elaborate. "Well I just didn't want you to think that I was like crazy mad at you like 'AHH I'M GOING TO KILL YOU' because I'm not." And let me tell you that was the absolute worst possible thing to say in that situation. Because that person now thinks that I'm crazy and that I have it out for them so whenever I turn around they flinch. 

Last night my dream was not a musical, what it WAS however was AWESOME. So I was chillin, walking down the street with Whippersnapper and it's dark out and all of a sudden Whippersnapper becomes FUCKING POSSESSED! Like all "I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR SOUL" and I was like "NO TAKE ME INSTEAD DEMON, WHIPPERSNAPPER'S DONE NOTHING WRONG!" And so I was freaking out because it's fucking WHIPPERSNAPPER here and I can't lose her to the evil forces and because I didn't have some holy water/bleach on me nor my light saber I freaked out. So I took out my cell phone and Whippersnapper comes back to normal and she's all "Who you gonna call?" And I'm like "Anthony Hopkins, who else?" So we get Anthony Hopkins down there somehow. He like pulled a Moses and parted the world to just walk over to where we were cause he's awesome like that. 

But anyways so Anthony Hopkins arrives and he's shirtless for some reason but there's no time to ponder why because all of a sudden Whippersnapper's limbs are flailing all over the place and I'm like "WHAT DO WE DO!?!?!" And Anthony Hopkins is all chill and he like pulls out this gnome filled with pudding and throws it at her face and she going all crazy and she falls down and I'm like "WTF YOU JUST THREW A GNOME AT WHIPPERSNAPPER!!!!" So I push him away and he falls into this black hole that's conveniently nearby and I'm like "I'll save you Whippersnapper DON'T WORRY!!" But she can't hear me because she's all like demonish. So she looks freaky crazy now because she's all covered in pudding and gnome bits and her eyes are all veiny and white and I think I'm losing her. 

So I freak out and I slap her over the head with a Bible that's randomly nearby (I obviously come prepared in all my dreams) and she turns to me in a normal voice and is like "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" And I pick her up and hug her and I'm like "I SAVED YOU WHIPPERSNAPPER DON'T EVER LEAVE ME!" But apparently I DIDN'T save her because she's trying to claw my face off but Anthony forgot his holy water so I throw it at her and she screams before I realize that he also substitutes his holy water with bleach and ammonia. Why didn't I think of that?! But anyways she screaming and thrashing and then she coughs and out comes this crazy weird black waffle.

So the moral of this story is that black waffles are dangerous and you should not eat them. That's about it for today because I have homework to do and I believe I carried out all of my duties for a post today and yeah. I love you. Not really. I don't know you. I hate you. No I don't. 

I'm apathetic towards you reader. You're probably awesome and fantastic like Whippersnapper. 

OH HOLY SHIT BIRTHDAYS. So anyways birthdays are fun. Two super cool people that I know have birthdays coming up. One is tomorrow and her name is OFFURMAS she is really awesome. I will probably do a special post for her tomorrow. Second is.....WHIPPERSNAPPER!! Whippersnapper is turning 16 in two weeks and I will definitely be writing a super special post for her on her birthday so UNTIL NEXT TIME.......................................

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