Saturday, June 4, 2011


I NEED GUM!!!!!!!!!!!! My life has been terrible without it. But doctors are like "GUM IS BAD" and I'm just so confused because gum prevents cavities, right? DON'T LIE TO ME TRIDENT! So I've decided that I want more people to read my blog, YAY WORDS! But I'm also poor CURSES NEEDING TO BE 18 TO DO ANYTHING LAW!! It's really not a law, but it may as well be. But blogs are fun, almost every awesome person has one. And honestly they're just funny all around. So I moved my blog from Webs to Blogger. YAY MOVING.

Except most of the blogs that I read involve pictures that are funny and let you see what they meant and couldn't describe in words. But I'm artistically challenged and a baby could draw better stick figures than me. SAD FACE. So I just use caps lock a lot and just emphasize my life.

So I'll be putting my old posts and pictures up as well as starting to make new ones. YAY FOR PERSEVERANCE! So it's taken me like five years but I've convinced my mother to let me get bunnies. BUNNIES. Our last bunnies were kind of like bunny shut ins. They were like "FOOD, HAY, WATER!" And then I would go to pick them up and snuggle with them and they'd be like "LET GO OF ME SATAN!!" And since I was little and easily freaked out, when they started struggling they kind of just got dropped. DON'T CALL PETA ON ME. Really though, it wasn't my fault.

Bunnies can be vicious creatures. But they can also be adorable and super sweet. Not my bunnies. Whitney and Brownie. So we go to get bunnies. I was in second grade. We get them from a local shelter that mostly sells cats and dogs. They say we have to buy two and while my mother's concerned I'm like "ZOMG BUNNIES ARE FLUFFY AND CUTE!" So while I sit with my skittish rabbits, trying my hardest to pet them without scaring them away, my mother fills out the adoption papers and soon my bunnies are in a box ready to go home.

When we arrive home I want to hold the bunnies really bad. However I had no idea that they were horribly traumatized by the half hour ride home in a closed box with holes. So as soon as we open the boxes it's like the bunnies were Jews in the Holocaust. They were shivering and looking around terrified. So put yourself in the bunnies' shoes. Scary car ride to a place you've never been before with people you've just met and suddenly two grubby hands are reaching in to grab you. You panic and bite them and scratch them and hear a shriek. You've done something wrong but you don't care because they threw you into a cage. Other bunny soon follows. Both of you are terrified.

That's basically the story of my bunnies' lives. Don't get me wrong we took extremely good care of them. But they just hated people. That doesn't mean I didn't go outside and constantly try to talk to them like they were live diaries. A lot of people do that, right? RIGHT?!

So today is the day to get the bunnies. I'm pretty darn excited about it. But I'd probably be more excited had I not woken up to the sound of my father's motorcycle going "VROOM VROOM I'M LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS EVEN THOUGH IT'S SEVEN IN THE MORNING VROOOOOOOOOM YAY!!" So yeah, less excited than normal.

Yesterday my mom and I went to Petco to get bunny supplies. While there I proceeded to press my face up against the glass of every display with animals in it from reptiles to ferrets. I don't know if you've ever been to Petco, but they certainly arrange their store in a manner that's sure to confuse people. Like you walk in and BOOM dog treats and then BOOM scoop your own variety of cat litter and BOOM fish!!!! And I'm not lying, it's exactly in that order. It took us half an hour to find the rabbit section that was tucked away in a cubby like space in the farthest corner of the store possible. Unfortunately for my mother who hates all things rodent like, along with the rabbit food etc. were ferrets, mice, rats, guinea pigs and hamsters.

I proceeded to spend another half hour watching ferrets as they fell asleep and then woke up and ran around the display and then fell asleep on top of one another. It was basically the cutest thing I'd ever seen. So SUCK IT BABIES.

I've officially decided that Allie Brosh is like my hero. I read her blog every night before I go to sleep because laughter is the best way to make yourself tired. Trust me, IT WORKS. And I wish that I had talented artistic skills so that I could have super awesome pictures on this blog and everyone would be like YAY I UNDERSTAND!!! But instead I draw stick figure pirate forms of Mike Birbiglia dressed also as a Scorpion back up guitarist on a pirate ship with an ice cream shop.

So I've also realized that after a horrifying event that took place two days ago that I don't like any form of pet that isn't an herbivore. Why? Let's find out:
So we were all eating dinner and my mom was telling us how everyone at her job does everything wrong and I got up to put my dishes in the sink. While there I look out the window to see a cat viciously maul a bird. A BABY bird. And I freak out and I'm like "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" And now my entire family's convinced that I have problems and I probably do, but I run outside and start yelling at the cat.
Now you're probably wondering why I got so upset about this. Animals are born to do this kind of thing, it's in their nature. I would probably be less upset had that baby bird still not have been alive. However, it WAS still alive and trying to use all it's baby bird might to fly away. I proceeded to throw sticks at the cat and call the cat "demon cat" as I sheltered the baby bird in it's last dying minutes. It had dragged itself under a loose tree stump to die without fear of living it's last precious moments of life with the torturous ways of Demon Cat. But Demon Cat was convinced that it had caught and tortured that bird fair and square and it wasn't about to give up it's dinner. By this time I had run out of sticks and other objects to throw. At a loss, whenever Demon Cat would come close I would spring up from my crouched position and run towards Demon Cat going "GET BACK SATAN NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE!!!"
Unfortunately this did not phase Demon Cat as it continually retreated and then tried to reclaim it's food.

This went on for awhile and by the time that I'd gotten bit by enough mosquitoes to give me an alarming case of malaria, I gave up and went inside. Mostly because the baby bird was dead now and no longer fluttering it's wings in hopes of being saved. Also I really didn't want malaria. So I walk back in the house to find my brother and mother standing at the windows wondering why I was talking in a psychotic rage to the bushes. They had obviously missed the part where I chased Demon Cat out of our back yard and into said bushes. But I also had a strong urge for water and feared that I really HAD caught malaria and instead of answering their questions, proceeded to drink about a gallon of water.

Summer is coming soon and I must admit that as much as I hate the hot weather almost as much as I hate Demon Cat and Fat Cat, I hate school just a tiny bit more, so the pros outweigh the cons. Who is Fat Cat you ask? Fat Cat is most likely related to Demon Cat because they're both pretty overweight. Fat Cat, however, is lazy and prefers to sit on it's fat butt and stare and hiss at you every time you pass its house. Fat Cat and I have had many a staring contests to see who would prevail from underdog status. Unfortunately cats need to blink about 110% less than humans, so I always lost. That never stopped me from shouting "fatty!" at it though.

It's terrible though, because there are too many ugly, fat and annoying cats and not enough awesome cats. Another annoying cat would be Gloria. I did not name this cat Gloria, her owner did. And I would not know this if every evening the crazy cat lady didn't come screeching out of her house going "GLORIA! GLORIA!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU GLORIA!!!!" and I wouldn't be surprised if Gloria was hiding from her because honestly that lady scares everyone on my street.

But then there are awesome cats, like Bandit Cat. Bandit Cat is the coolest cat in the world. He lies in wait, in the shadows, with the gray circles of fur surrounding his paws and nose. He creeps under the trellis of the house where the postman is making his daily rounds, unaware of the actions that will soon follow. But before anyone can warn him BOOM Bandit Cat strikes and makes off with somebody's mail, never to be seen again.

Bandit Cat is my cat hero. But this post seems long enough for a first post and I'll set up my old posts to get things started around here. I really hope I'm not the only person in the world who has a cat hero...

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