Saturday, June 4, 2011

Yes, that IS toast that you're staring at

Well hi stranger. I'm not entirely sure what to do right now so I'm just going to start telling you about this wonderful book written by one of my heroes: Mike Birbiglia. The book is called Sleepwalk With Me: And Other Painfully True Stories. Dear friend, this book is AMAZING and I highly recommend that you go purchase a copy. Especially if you enjoy being that person that laughs at books. If you enjoy laughing at the people who laugh at books I recommend you buy it for a friend and then point and make fun of them. 

Well now that formalities are out of the way I should talk about something important. like WOMBATS. Wombats are amazing little creatures a bit like a combination of sloths and baby bears. I know, it's exciting. Do you want to know what would make it even more exciting? IF THEY HAD WINGS! Now I know it's a crazy thought but think about it. I'd be the greastest thing ever. And yes, I am being entirely serious. 

 AVENGED SEVENFOLD let's talk about them. They're awesome. I love them. You should love them too. And then we'll all be just a bundle of loving people and we can all hold hands and make a chain of people holding hands all across the word singing "We are the World" except this time no one died, so it's EVEN BETTER than that failure version we did for Haiti. We'd kinda be like those little paper cut outs of people holding hands. Although I think those cut outs are a little racist because no one ever bothers to color them so it ends up being just a strand of white people holding hands until we eventually reach where the paper ended and there's that stupid half of a person. No one likes that one. But fear not stupid looking half person, I LOVE YOU. Kind of not really, I just feel bad for you. No hard feelings.

 Speaking of cut out paper people DOLLS ARE THE DEVIL. Seriously though, they're messed up. I mean I don't know about you but if you can stand to be in a room only lit by candles with thousands of dolls staring into your soul I'm kinda going to have to start calling you Satan. We can still be friends and all but I am going to douse you in holy water every time I see you, and yes it will burn because I'm going to add some holy bleach. Also you will no longer be allowed in my house. Just a precaution. And I may also make you wear a headband with devil horns and one day you may wake up with a tail and a red Trident. Which if you ask me is pretty awesome. That's why I only use three prong forks because technically after two prongs, it becomes a Trident and I was to be able to eat my food like THE GODS. 

So one day I was really bored and I made this power point about Evolution. Except after reading about evolution for like half an hour I decided that if Evolution was a bedtime story, it would be more exciting if Darwin was the bad guy. So that's what my power point consisted of...well that and something about turtles. And Darwin momentarily becoming God for two seconds. It's okay though because seagulls and turtle babies end up eating him in the end. 

So I've figured out that I want my life to be like a comic book. Because then everything I do will have an awesome spiky word bubble with a cool sound effect. Like right now the side panel would be all CLICK! And I'd be like, "that's exactly what typing sounds like! how did you know oh majestic bubble?" Also it would give every failure a chance for redemption. Like grapes! Grapes are the fruit of hope because if you have a bad apple, you're stuck with it. BUT if you have one bad grape, there are millions of chances that you're next choice will be delicious. (Demetri Martin)

I wish I lived in a cave. Because then if I ever got lonely I could start singing Tarzan songs and a group of monkeys would come join me and we'd make fun of British people. I also wish I lived in Arabia, because then I could totally ride a lion like in Narnia, except my lion would be a tiger and sometimes we'd fly on a magic carpet and sing songs about magic and lamps. 

Being ice cream must suck. Because all you ever look forward to is the inside of a cup/bowl and then you're either smothered in toppings or eaten and dissolved in somebody's stomach.

And I guess that's it for today because that was kind of a lot. So um stay anonymous stranger and I'll stay a little mentally unbalanced. BYE

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