Friday, June 10, 2011

My House is Where Flies Come to Die

Flies, I would like to know what looks so enticing about my house. There are no prospective dirty foods or rancid smells that you seem to enjoy so much. There are no animals. My parents are clean freaks. I do not think that the heat/cold bothers you considering if there was a dead body outside, you would rejoice about your new toy/food. Honestly flies, do you even eat? I feel like you just fly around making that really annoying buzzing sound and just look for something to land on and get all of your potentially STD covered feet on.

Also, flies have you ever noticed that when one of you comes into my house, they never EVER come back out? I thought you'd be more concerned about Jerry and why he hasn't come home in three days. Obviously you never thought of the fact that he is DEAD. Jerry, like all other flies, sped into the shelter of our comfy home. But what seemed like a quaint place to look for dead things, turned into a nightmare. The doors and windows were all closed. There was no fresh air, no way out. No matter how many times he smashed himself into the window in a futile attempt to escape, Jerry could not find one.

Hours began to pass and Jerry no longer denied his fate. So he just perched on the window, looking outside in a sad acknowledgement that he would never feel the wind again.I went to sleep and woke up the next morning to an empty and quiet house. I went through the house, trying to find the window that Jerry had been perching on to try but alas, he was nowhere to be found. Apparently one of Jerry's friends became concerned and entered the house of doom earlier today. I do not know how long his friend has been searching, but by the time I discovered his presence, he was already downtrodden. He had figured out Jerry's fate. That same fate that was now staring him down.

I tried to help Jerry's friend. Before I go any further, I must state that I absolutely loathe flies. I don't see their purpose other than to be food for other insects and to give a reason for a fly swatter to be invented even though everyone just uses them as backscratchers. I hate flies. I really don't know why, but they just skeeve me out. Especially when it's really quiet and they just buzz right by you all of a sudden. It makes me have goosebumps and uncomfortable skin pricks for ten minutes. I mostly hate flies because from a distance I can't tell whether they're flies or bees or other things that could bite me and possibly give me things like Lyme disease.

So like I was saying, I tried to help his friend out. I opened up windows where he could potentially find a way out through a crevice (do flies even have skeletons?) or some other thing. Or die. Because for some reason when I lock flies in the space between the screen and the window they apparently have panic attacks and die or suffer some weird lack of oxygen and die. That last one doesn't even make sense, but I'm pretty sure it has to do with breathing. Anyways, despite my utter kindness, the fly still persists to find his/her own way out. I might just end it all and make it easier on everyone.

Today I had another tutor come over to give me one of my final exams. She proceeded to nonchalantly walk around my house, eat her weird pasta salad noisily, and spill her diet coke all over our dining room table. I'm not exactly positive if my test is really going to make it back to the school in tact.

Have you ever had that one food that you pretty much NEED to have around in a plentiful amount 24/7? I have. It's strawberries. I'm pretty sure if it was possible to marry strawberries, I would elope with them. There may be that slight issue of cannibalism, but it's not my fault that they taste SO DELICIOUS. Suck on that Dora.

R.I.P. JERRY THE FLY you will be missed. not really. we all actually kinda hated you. awkward.

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